Hi, I’m Gareth Crocker. I’m a novelist and screenwriter based in Johannesburg, and I co-own the film and TV studio Motion Story. My latest novel, Now You Bleed, the sequel to Now You Suffer, has just been published. Rumours abound that if you buy the book and post a flattering review online, great wealth and happiness will be bestowed upon you and your family. It also gets rid of cellulite.
I would describe myself as a traveller. Ten years ago, that is. Now not so much. My wife has to tie a KitKat to the end of a long stick to lure me out the house.
Three words that describe my travel personality: moany; snippy; sarcastic.
I grew up in Johannesburg and we would often go to Durban for our holidays. The thing I remember most is how magical Durban was. For 11 months of the year, I would dream about the small but charming amusement park nestled along the main promenade. The Cave of Terror was a particular favourite. It had a weird electrical smell that I adored. Years later, when the powers-that-be decided to remove all the enchanting coloured lights that lit up the park and replace them with a monotone fluorescent glow, a part of me died. As far as I was concerned, it was the equivalent of shooting Father Christmas in the face.
My first trip abroad was to London to follow my dream of becoming a novelist. It was hands down the most exhilarating journey of my life. I had a satchel full of manuscripts and was determined to land myself an international agent. Luckily, I was naïve enough to think that agents would be falling over themselves to sign me. Remarkably, this naiveté paid off.
Favourite international city? I really enjoy Cannes on the French Riviera. It’s an achingly scenic part of the world with great weather. You get to swim in a beautiful ocean in the morning then mingle with fake Hollywood types at night, which is always a bit of a laugh. However, it’s not exactly a cheap place to visit. My advice would be to eat as much as you can on the plane. Steal food from others, if you must. Sleepy children are my go to. Check their backpacks.
My worst travel experience was also Cannes because the French are, how can I say this gently ... quite keen to down tools when the feeling comes upon them. I don’t think I’ve ever visited the city when the trains have been running smoothly. Getting back to the airport in Nice has often resembled a high-stakes chase scene from a Mission Impossible film.
I am literally the least-adventurous eater on Earth. I only eat about seven things. I’m the guy who gets invited to a top French restaurant and then asks for tomato sauce. Having said that, I once sampled warthog unknowingly. It tasted like sadness with a hint of “Oh my God, I’m eating Pumbaa!”
The one thing I always make sure I do on holiday is try not to stay in a haunted hotel room. During my first trip to Cannes a decade ago, I was pinned down by a ghost in my bed. Utterly true story. The place we (the ghost and I) were staying was very old and the owner later admitted that I wasn’t the first guest to be “accosted” in that particular room (at the end of a red carpeted passage, may I add). He did urge me, however, to not inform his wife who got really angry whenever guests whined about the fiddly paranormal goings-on in their hotel.
When travelling, I am a sucker for talented pilots and reliable airplanes THAT LAND WITHOUT ANY INCIDENTS AT ALL.
For souvenirs, I try to buy my family the most terrible gifts imaginable. Like a crap $1 snow globe. Or a shirt that costs 2€ and says “I heart Paris” or something equally inane. It brings me great joy.
Most welcoming/friendly locals? Well, it’s not the French. That’s for sure. They always assume I’m British and subsequently want to hurl me into a meat grinder. It’s got to the point now that I walk around wearing a South African cap, which I point to whenever I need to speak to anyone. Then it’s all sunshine and roses. They adore South Africans.
One tourist attraction that surprised me was The Louvre. And the Mona Lisa painting in particular. Wow. What a massive disappointment. It’s about the size of a postage stamp and is quite comfortably the least impressive painting in the whole place.
One tourist attraction that everyone should see before they die? For me, it’s not one particular place. It’s whatever place occupies your imagination. My late mother always wanted to go to Corfu but never made it there. Which pains me to this day.https://www.123rf.com/photo_84049018_speedboats-navigating-past-rocky-clifs-corfu-island-kerkyra-greece.html
Favourite museum? The London Dungeon (if you can call it a museum). It’s lowbrow, tongue-in-cheek and terrific fun.
When I meet/see South African travellers/tourists overseas a weird thing happens to me. I get homesick and nostalgic. I was once sitting at an airport in New York, feeling particularly low, when I looked up and happened to see the rudder of a passenger jet cutting across the window like a shark fin. It was an SAA plane and the sight of the South African flag almost made me wail like a child whose snacks had been stolen by a wannabe author mid-flight. Home is home, after all. Also beers are a lot cheaper in Joburg.
My ultimate bucket-list destination? I’m keeping it as local as possible. When all is said and done, we have the best country in the world. Why go anywhere else?
· Now You Bleed, the second book in Gareth Crocker’s Ruben Ellis detective series, is out now.
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