‘What he did was absolute bull***t’: entertainer’s suicide splits South Africa

One man trying to die, another fighting to survive. Two deaths in the entertainment industry made headlines this week.

Both were fathers in their 60s. One death sparked pure mourning; the other, heated debate.

On Monday news broke that SA’s Got Talent judge Ian von Memerty, 61, had taken his own life in a Joburg hotel in an act of “self-deliverance” he had publicly planned for months.

On Wednesday comedian, actor and activist Soli Philander, 65, died in Cape Town after a long battle with cancer.

One thing the men had in common was Gail Jaffit Leibman, a former publicist for both Von Memerty and Philander. And she did not hold back on her assessment of the situation.

I’m angry. When Ian told me he was going to die, I just said, ‘Well, give my love to my husband and so many other lovely people who have passed.’ When I heard about Soli, I was so sad

—  Gail Jaffit Leibman, former publicist for Von Memerty and Philander

“Ian wanted a five-star exit with applause. He was talented, young and healthy. Help was there, but he didn’t want it. Alternatively, he could have arranged for a situation where his healthy organs could have been harvested. What he did was absolute bullshit,” she said.

“Soli had three children and he didn’t want to die. He fought hard for every moment of life.

“I’m angry. When Ian told me he was going to die, I just said, ‘Well, give my love to my husband and so many other lovely people who have passed.’ When I heard about Soli, I was so sad.”

Philander, who had been battling cancer since 2019, was discharged from Groote Schuur Hospital on Tuesday but died from complications at his home on Wednesday, surrounded by loved ones.

The Sunday Times has learnt that Von Memerty had pre-arranged for an ambulance to arrive at the hotel at 3am to remove his body after what he termed his final act of “self-deliverance”.

His death was announced by his family on Sunday, almost a week after it happened. The process had begun months earlier when he told them he had decided to choose “good months rather than long years”.

He then approached a small circle of friends, outlining his plan and the online video series he intended to launch, titled Dying for a Better Life. In the weeks before his death, he began sending messages and e-mails to a wider group of friends.

I realised I had a choice: either try to be ‘the rescuer’ and push back against something I knew he was determined to do, or walk alongside him so that, whatever happened, he wouldn’t be alone or judged

—  close friend of Von Memerty

One close friend, who asked not to be named out of respect for the family, described the moment Von Memerty confided in him.

“In that moment I realised I had a choice: either try to be ‘the rescuer’ and push back against something I knew he was determined to do, or walk alongside him so that, whatever happened, he wouldn’t be alone or judged.

“I chose to be his support and his unfiltered sounding board. It wasn’t easy; it required a lot of compartmentalising and a slightly surreal way of holding it all.”

Von Memerty’s Facebook page and videos were taken down this week after drawing a huge response from fans, supporters and critics. Reactions ranged from kindness and sympathy to anger and disbelief.

Comments such as “masochistic exhibitionism”, “death performance art” and “snuff marketing” appeared alongside messages like “find peace in your rest, fabulous Ian” and “I am so sad”. His decision to document and explain his plans publicly drew particular backlash.

“Sitting opposite someone you love and realising they are absolutely, meticulously serious about ending their life is brutal,” the friend said.

The Von Memerty family have chosen not to speak publicly.

“What I can say is that they have had to carry a double burden: the personal loss of a husband and father, and the public storm around a choice that many people feel strongly about,” the friend said.

I haven’t seen Ian in about 10 years. But I understand and support his choice. I don’t agree with the spectacle, but that was what he wanted. Loss is part of life, and I feel for his family

—  Bryan Schimmel, music director

For those who stayed close to Von Memerty until the end, the experience has been traumatic.

“Being with him till the end felt surreal. On one level it was just my old friend, witty and intense as ever; on another, I was acutely aware how each conversation brought us closer to his final day.”

The day before he died, Von Memerty sent out calm voice messages recalling memories, old wounds and favourite things, explaining his readiness to leave.

Von Memerty and his wife, Vivienne von Memerty, divorced last year, and the family was “fragmented across the globe”. Their two eldest children, Valeska and Oscar, were both born with a rare genetic metabolic disorder. Valeska died at five; Oscar is now 30 and self-sufficient. The youngest daughter, Kasvia, 25, is a singer living abroad and recently married.

“On the day he died, Ian was still sending individual e-mails to close friends, each one specific and personal, telling them what they had meant to him and offering comfort.”

On February 22 he checked into a Joburg hotel. He did not disclose his exact plans to anyone and was alone when he took his own life.

Music director Bryan Schimmel, who created A Handful of Keys with Von Memerty — widely regarded as the most successful musical revue in South African theatre history — said he agreed with “self-deliverance”.

“I haven’t seen Ian in about 10 years. But I understand and support his choice. I don’t agree with the spectacle, but that was what he wanted. Loss is part of life, and I feel for his family.”

Dignity South Africa, which is preparing a high court challenge to laws criminalising medically assisted dying, has distanced itself from Von Memerty’s actions, saying they align more closely with suicide than with lawful, medically assisted death.