TOM EATON | ETs are now ‘demons’, JD Vance is a writer-cum-VP — when is your pivot?

Frank Sinatra had regrets — a few, even — but ultimately they were too few to mention. And that’s because at some point, I suspect, he was taken aside by someone with wisdom, with experience and above all with money who told young Francis not to be a writer.

To be clear, I’m not complaining. Having to listen to writers whine about writing is a special hell. A bit, I imagine, like having a friend who calls you regularly, explaining that they’ve once again stuck a fork into their thigh and that they want to talk about it, but hangs up the moment you ask if they’ve called the therapist you recommended.

No, I chose this, and keep choosing it every day, because it is infinitely better than getting a real job.

Still, as the world gets dramatically more expensive thanks to the First Epstein Crusade, and the phrase “I asked ChatGPT” completes its transformation from being a powerful prophylactic to a mainstay of academia, I do sometimes wish that I’d gone in a slightly more lucrative direction.

My choices were once again brought home to me on the weekend, as I watched an interview with a very successful writer by the name of JD Vance, a man who has sold not only many books but also his entire soul.

The US vice-president and future spokesmodel of Maybelline was in high spirits on this particular podcast, and not just because he is one aspirated cheeseburger away from ultimate power: the war in Iran is going very well, at least for those who were told to short it beforehand, studies confirm that half of American adults read slightly worse than the average 11-year-old, and both Epstein and Gaza are entirely gone from the news cycle.

Relaxed and chatty, Vance was willing to be drawn on whether or not aliens existed, becoming earnest for a moment as he explained that he believes that extraterrestrial beings are, in fact, “demons”.

Of course, it’s impossible to know whether Vance believes what he said. The whole point of the new right is that you don’t believe anything, instead leaving yourself open as an empty vessel to be filled by that week’s instructions from whomever is paying you. Release the Epstein Files! Oh, what? Only some redacted ones? No new wars! Except for Iran! Trump is Hitler! But you know the trains did run on time …

I understand these reservations, but in our post-degree world, in which one’s training seems to have less and less bearing on one’s ultimate career, where novelists can become vice presidents and Fikile Mbalula can be employed, I would remind them that Motsepe is actually overqualified.

Still, the eagerness and speed with which Vance has hollowed himself did remind me how tough it is to make a living these days. And as much as I want to encourage the youth to work hard and study something interesting, I have to admit that we seem to be racing into a future in which there are only four industries that are booming: tech sociopath, prosperity preacher, ethnic nationalists populist or professional bootlicker.

Of course, some might still fall forward despite being one of those. I keep reading, for example, that Patrice Motsepe might become the next leader of the ANC, and possibly the president of the country, despite having no political experience.

I understand these reservations, but in our post-degree world, in which one’s training seems to have less and less bearing on one’s ultimate career, where novelists can become vice presidents and Fikile Mbalula can be employed, I would remind them that Motsepe is actually overqualified.

Indeed, when he told Donald Trump in 2020 that “Africa loves you”, just two years after the American had described the continent as a “shithole”, Motsepe revealed the two traits required of modern leaders: a Christ-like ability to turn the other cheek, and a Pilate-like ability to play to whichever crowd is in front of him.

Even better, by owning a football club for many years, Motsepe has unwittingly already learned how to run the ANC, employing otherwise employable people to fall over and clutch their shins, and paying them whether they win or lose.

Yes, Motsepe will muddle through, just as JD Vance has muddled through.

For the rest of us, though, there are some tough choices ahead.

So which way do I pivot? Tech bro? Alas, I like women and am thus disqualified right from the get-go. Ethno-nationalist rabble-rouser? That’s tricky, too: as a Capetonian, I am genetically incapable of travelling further than the suburb in which I was born, which means at best I could militate for a Greater Kenilworth volkstaat. Bootlicker? I’ve never liked the taste.

No, it’ll have to be a prosperity preacher, I’m afraid. And so, brothers and sister, put your money in the hat and let us pray …