Last week scientists expressed grave concern that part of the oceanic circulatory system that allows humanity to exist in its current form will have slowed dramatically by the end of this century, heralding its imminent collapse and the end of civilisation as we currently know it. The question that we all now must face is whether the new Harry Potter films will be completed in time.
According to the study, something called the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation — imagine a lattice of arteries and veins extending from Florida to Iceland — is likely to slow by around 50 percent by 2100, producing a sort of climatic stroke within the lifetime of most children currently under the age of 10.
This event, which the scientists say is a matter of when rather than if, will submerge large parts of the US east coast, turn most of Europe and North America into frozen tundra, transform southern Africa into a desert, cause immense famines in Asia, and make it very hard for Gen Alpha to get on the property ladder.
That last one is more of an extrapolation by me than something explicitly suggested by the scientists, but, with respect, if they’d wanted their study to make a bigger splash they really should have added it, perhaps with a few extra warnings about how economic and social collapse could lead to more illegal immigration, to say nothing of how expensive it will make eggs.
Then again, I suspect that climate scientists have learned the hard way that there’s almost nothing they can tell us that will stir us into action.
Of course, paralysis is a broad church, and no doubt some of us were more determined than others to ignore last week’s update.
A great many people, for example, have decided that climate science is a grift (after all, just look at all those oceanographers and botanists buying private islands while hardworking oil executives slave away for pennies), but I don’t entirely blame them. If humanity is still capable of insight in the future, and isn’t too busy foraging for tubers to donate in lieu of tax to the seventeenth Baron Musk, it will one day recall that, of all the threats this planet has faced, some of the most destructive were the PR firms that helped Rupert Murdoch and the oil majors perfect their multi-decade defamation of the people who didn’t want to set the planet on fire for money.
And if you don’t have children and aren’t going to be around in 2100, then what? Does one take the route of pure hedonism, going out in a blaze of cheese puffs?
But it’s not just that Murdoch-addled set that would have looked at the news out of the Atlantic and moved on. Even those of us who have decided that the consensus of a majority of climate scientists is probably closer to the mark than whatever is coming out of Riyadh or London or Mar-A-Lago would have managed little more than a small twitch of one eye as we bookmarked the piece to read later when we felt better.
Because, honestly, now that we have overwhelming proof that billions of people are determined to act and vote against their best interests until it kills them, what’s the plan?
If you’re the parent or grandparent of one of those 10-and-under kiddies, is it enough merely to prepare them to survive the apocalypse? Shouldn’t you be teaching them to thrive in it, setting aside the lessons on how to sew rat pelts into small jumpers and instead showing them how to start their own religion?
On the other hand, if your youngsters are, like me, unlikely to survive in a world without Woolworths cheese puffs, shouldn’t you immediately emigrate somewhere like Mongolia, so that they can slowly get used to the thin air and the yak milk without it all being a terrible shock in their late middle-age?
And if you don’t have children and aren’t going to be around in 2100, then what? Does one take the route of pure hedonism, going out in a blaze of cheese puffs? Or, staying true to one’s middle-class roots, is it finally time to be revolutionary now that it’s too late, perhaps by blowing up some data centres or at least cancelling the Disney Plus subscription because they’ve just replaced their artists with AI?
No, it’s no wonder the latest chime of the clock, telling us that we’re probably a half-hour from midnight, was met with almost total silence.
It’s not that we don’t care. We care a lot. But doing something, well, that’s complicated. And, to be fair, only about 98 percent of climate scientists agree that human activity is driving this stuff, so maybe …?
Would you like to comment on this article?
Sign up (it's quick and free) or sign in now.
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.