HOGARTH | Habeas corpus, habeas couch

ActionSA MP Dereleen James is relatively new in parliament, yet she has gained a reputation as a no-nonsense parliamentarian who shoots from the hip.

Hogarth was therefore not surprised this week when, in the middle of a long-winded meeting between the portfolio committee on policing and top Ipid and police management on Phala Phala, she cut to the chase and asked, “Where is the couch? We’ve all heard about this couch the money was stashed in … That forms part of key evidence, and how would this case have a proper outcome if the evidence wasn’t booked in?”

She was supported by the MK Party’s Mazolman Skhosana, who said, “Where is the couch? Because we can’t be told here, ‘No, the couch doesn’t mean anything.’”

Hogarth suspects that if McBuffalo’s Phala Phala sofa is ever found, the two MPs would demand that it be presented before the parliamentary impeachment committee for interrogation over the source of the mysterious US dollars and probably hoping to find some left over Benjamins.

Six of the best for Morero

Johannesburg mayor Dada Morero was in parliament this week at the invitation of the standing committee on public accounts as well as the co-operative governance portfolio committee.

He knew he was in for a serious grilling and began his presentation by alerting MPs that this was his first appearance before Scopa and admitting the moment felt “like being summoned to the principal’s office”.

If he thought that would break the ice, he was mistaken, as MPs from both committees spent the rest of the meeting roasting him for his metro council’s failings.

At least he did some homework

When the going got really tough, with MPs criticising him for the terrible state of the city’s finances, Morero changed tack, blaming most of the municipality’s ills on ActionSA leader and former DA Johannesburg mayor Herman Mashaba. He said Mashaba had caused many of the city’s top managers to resign during his tenure, as he tended to accuse all and sundry of corruption.

And just for some spice he added, “Let me remind honourable members that Mashaba has only matric, and he was the mayor of Johannesburg, so … just on a lighter note.”

Fifa-fi-fo-fum foul smell

One of the 10 golden rules of world football governing body Fifa’s ethical framework is to respect opponents, teammates, referees, officials and spectators. But it seems there are exceptions to this rule, judging by Fifa president Gianni Infantino’s unintelligible attempt to explain away the US’s denial of entry to top African referee Omar Abdulkadir Artan, despite him holding a visa. Infantino’s explanation was so infantile it makes a toddler’s gibberish sound positively Shakespearean.

Given how Infantino is allowing the US to use its visa as a trump card to ride roughshod over fans and some participating teams, Hogarth would not be surprised to see Fifa change its official slogan from “My game is fair play” to “We serve foul play”.

Bad things are happening around this World Cup.

Where soccer dreams go to die

The entire Madlanga commission team wore Bafana Bafana jerseys on Thursday in support of the national soccer team, which took on Mexico in the opening game of the World Cup that evening.

After encouraging the boys and wishing them well in the tournament, the commission’s chair, retired Constitutional Court judge Mbuyiseli Madlanga, could not resist telling the following story:

“I have not alerted the person who is the subject of the story that I’m going to [tell it]. According to the initial terms of reference, the commission’s life was supposed to be six months only. My colleague, commissioner Khumalo, used to tell us his plans to go to the World Cup. Look where he is today.

“Right now, he would have been in Mexico to watch this football extravaganza. Unfortunately, once the period of the commission was extended, those plans were dashed.”