HOGARTH | A forgivable own goal

A forgivable own goal

Hogarth never knew that Canadians were good at any sport other than ice hockey. So, when he heard that our national soccer team was due to play Canada in the knockout round of the Fifa World Cup, he thought, “piece of cake”.

Imagine his surprise when the North Americans sent our beloved Bafana Bafana packing, bringing to an abrupt end our participation in the tournament.

But clearly, he wasn’t as surprised as Bafana star Teboho “Tebza” Mokoena, who had this to say about Canada’s winning goal after the match on live international TV: “It was very tough, eish! The way we conceded that goal. And even me, I felt f**k!”

He then covered his mouth in embarrassment before exclaiming, “tjo!” when he realised it was too late.

Minister of middle fingers

But if Tebza was embarrassed by his f-bomb, Khumbudzo Ntshavheni, the minister in the Presidency, seems to have no qualms about using strong language to communicate the government’s message.

McBuffalo’s chief spokesperson was not impressed by her boss’s predecessor, the Nkandla Crooner, taking the South African high commissioner along with him when he visited one of the fugitive Gupta brothers in India.

Anil Sooklal, the high commissioner, was a “disgrace”, Ntshavheni said, before adding that he was showing the “middle finger to South Africans, who are paying his salary”.

Just in case anyone thought her statement was an innocent faux pas, the minister continued: “It is also very disturbing that a former state president can openly and unapologetically show the middle finger to South Africans. We have lost a lot of money through the Gupta brothers’ shenanigans in our country … and [Jacob Zuma] continues to show the middle finger and claims that he wants to run this country again."

Diplomatic speak is clearly not the chief government spokesperson’s strong suit.

Boys will be boys

The foul-mouth disease didn’t just affect the soccer player and the minister this week. They were soon joined by the two men who — probably more than anyone else — are responsible for sinking South Africa into gutter politics: Fikile Mbalula and his erstwhile ANC Youth League sidekick, Julius Malema. The former bosom pals now see each other as main rivals for a future South African presidency.

After Mbaweezy said something inflammatory about Juju at a press conference, the EFF boss responded by sending the ANC secretary-general a lawyer’s letter — demanding a retraction and threatening to sue.

A defiant Mbaks took to social media saying he was no Kenny Kunene and would not be intimidated by “boys” into retracting his statement. An angry Malema responded: “The boys is [sic] in your pants!”

Dishing up voodoo economics ...

Hogarth is loath to translate indigenous language names into English because sometimes the queen’s language is just not rich enough and important meanings get lost in translation. But in this case, he’ll make an exception because it is about a nickname, Nkosikhona Ndabandaba’s nickname.

Who is that, you ask? Well, he is the man who has been marching up and down the streets of the country’s major cities chasing after immigrants. Phakel’umthakathi is his nickname, which — loosely translated — means the one who dishes out for the witch.

The self-styled leader of Zulu regiments argued this week that South Africa was so rich that its inhabitants should not even be waking up each morning to go to work.

“Let’s say the average life expectancy here in South Africa is 70 years. South Africa can pay R70m to each person in this country to sustain themselves for the rest of their lives. We don’t even need to work. We can have these legal immigrants coming to South Africa to work for us, just like in Dubai … in the United Arab Emirates, only foreigners are working. The citizens — the owners, the indigenous people of Dubai — they don’t work. We can have that in South Africa."

With a name like Phakel’umthakathi, he is obviously a fan of voodoo economics.

...with a side of sexism

Shortly after providing these pearls of economic wisdom, Phakel’umthakathi and his friend, Ngizwe Mchunu, went to the Union Buildings to meet President Cyril Ramaphosa ahead of their June 30 march. Conspicuous by her absence was Jacinta Ngobese-Zuma, the founder and leader of the March and March movement. Asked later why they had left Ngobese-Zuma behind, Phakel’umthatkathi explained that Jacinta was “someone’s wife” and therefore it would have been inappropriate to contact her late in the evening or to travel with her.