NDUMISO NGCOBO | Sometimes a bit of fascism is needed to fight the infuriating

Leaders such as Joseph Stalin, Augusto Pinochet and Idi Amin presided over truly despicable, murderous regimes. However, in this column I will try to convince you that there is merit in that kind of leadership.

I hope it will serve as the cautionary tale the electorates of the US and the Philippines should have heard before they voted The Orange One and Rodrigo Duterte into office, respectively. People such as Trump, Duterte and I, who believe in unleashing hooded thugs on the populace, should never be in any leadership positions.

Watching the assorted riff-raff who assembled under the banner of “the left” last weekend was fascinating. I found myself wondering what Sobukwe would have made of “leftists” who want pregnant teenagers banished to Robben Island and African migrants deported en masse to their countries of origin. But I also found myself thinking about whether traditional notions of left, right and centre have any practical utility in politics these days.

In any event, let me entrench my already well-established reputation as a somewhat deranged journalist with scant respect for all that is sacred by saying I think there is a good case to be made for the reintroduction of fascism. Please allow me to explain — so that, if you ever see my mugshot on a ballot paper, you can vote for anyone but me.

You know how Trump has his ICE goons driving around the streets harassing anyone who looks as though they might answer to a name such as Gonzalez or Sanchez? Well, if I’m ever elected to office, I plan to unleash my own crack squad of stormtroopers on Checkers Sixty60-esque scooters on the unsuspecting public.

My first targets would be those caught listening to WhatsApp voice notes via phone speakers. They would be summarily executed by a blow to the skull with a tiny knobkerrie the Zulus call isimolontshisi. If the offenders were guilty of playing TikTok videos out loud, I would decree two knobkerrie wallops. If the noise pollution was maskandi music, that would be three whacks on the cranium.

If my fascist party ever came to power, I would stand there in an absurd wig yelling “Off with their heads!” in a shrill Queen of Hearts voice

By the time I was impeached, the infuriating practice of listening to voice notes and watching TikToks without using headphones or earbuds would be as extinct as the quagga.

One of the legacies of the Covid pandemic continues to rear its ugly head on a daily basis. I am not au fait with the intentions of the virus in respect of our species, but one of the unintended consequences of it infecting us was how it prompted the emergence of all manner of crackpots, kooks and quacks from all quarters. The world’s collective strenuous effort to deal with the pandemic was undermined at every turn by flat-earthers, 5G cranks and anti-vaxxers who believed we were being led to the slaughter by global elites. Almost 57 years after Neil Armstrong took “a giant leap for mankind”, I was stunned to see Joe Rogan spend three hours with a quack called Bart Sibrel debunking the veracity of the moon landing.

But just why would I send my minnows in balaclavas to eliminate Rogan and Sibrel for their crazy beliefs? Well, a few days ago, I excitedly tuned in to the Club Shay Shay podcast because its guest was my favourite scientist, Prof Neil deGrasse Tyson. That a brilliant person such as deGrasse Tyson had to waste an outstanding opportunity to share with the world nuggets of information with which 99.99% of humanity is not familiar offends me deeply. In the 2026th year of our Lord, he had to sit there trying to dispel moronic conspiracy theories about Nasa having faked the moon landing in a film studio. If my fascist party ever came to power, I would stand there in an absurd wig yelling “Off with their heads!” in a shrill Queen of Hearts voice.

As you can see, I have given a lot of thought to my fascist notions. The ANC has invited South Africans to nominate members of the public as mayoral candidates in the November local government elections. The largest party in the land has seemingly abandoned all pretence at having ideological convictions in favour of the expediency of coalitions, so my fascist beliefs will surely not disqualify me for the role.

So if you would like to see severed heads rolling around the streets of Ekurhuleni for the greater good of humanity, please put my name forward for consideration. You will never have to listen to an unsolicited voice note or TikTok under my watch.