By the time you read this, the grand finale of the oldest tennis tournament will be but a couple of hours away. Or maybe you had a rough night out and that recognisable opening theme is about to start.
The BBC tried to grunge it up a bit this year with some '80s punk visual references but I don't believe anyone was fooled: Wimbledon is, and will remain, a rather sober affair. Steeped in tradition. Excruciatingly British.
But more than anything else, a celebration of everything tennis stands for. It may count for 2,000 ranking points along with three other grand slams of the year, but every tennis player knows: Wimbledon is the Holy Grail of tennis.
My editor asked me to do "a little numbers thing" about today's final.
"Death by numbers?" I asked.
"Play along," she said.
A Harris Hawk is employed to fly around the grounds of the All England Club where Wimbledon takes place at 9am every day to deter pigeons. His is Rufus.
— Did you know?
Well, I refused. Politely, of course. See, I have a thing about the way tennis journalism has changed. Nowadays, when you read the ATP website, it's all statistics and percentages. So and so won 69% of first-serve points, converting three out of eight break points in a match that lasted two hours and 29 minutes, ensuring he goes to 19-4 for the year and earning him his 43rd grass-court win of his career.
Excuse my British, but what a load of poppycock.
Instead, I'll offer my take on today's final. Now, this might be a little risky (at the time of writing we're still at the quarterfinal stages) but in today's final we have two very different breeds of tennis players, though both are widely considered to be among the top five best male tennis players of all time.
On one side of the net we have Novak Djokovic. World No 1. Defending champion. The Serb who practised as a child while bombs fell around him in Belgrade. A man with no chinks in his armour and the best returner of serve in history.
Known as "The Djoker" early in his career because of his ability to imitate famous players' mannerisms, Djokovic carved out a record of achievements in the greatest era of men's tennis, competing against two other all-time greats, with Djokovic having a superior head-to-head record against both.
On the other side is arguably the best-dressed tennis player of all time. And I don't say this lightly. Apart from a momentary military-jacket-and-waistcoat fashion faux pas at the 2009 Championships, Federer has looked fabulous as he racked up 20 grand slam titles over two decades. Which shouldn't be surprising as he counts Anna Wintour as his fashion mentor. Even switching to Japanese retailer Uniqlo from Nike (a deal reportedly worth $300m, or R4.2bn) hasn't changed this.
Perhaps it isn't his attire, but the way he wears it - even in the heat of battle, Federer seems remarkably composed and unflustered, hardly breaking a sweat as he moves with the stealth of a cat, the grace of a ballet dancer and the nonchalance of a player who believes that he is, simply put, the most gifted and glorious tennis player to have ever stepped up to the baseline. Watching Federer play is, as writer David Foster Wallace pointed out in his now iconic piece for the New York Times, a "religious experience".
Yet the match-up is an intriguing one. In both the 2014 and 2015 final, Djokovic came out of top. Though that was before the renaissance in Federer's game that started with his epic win over Rafael Nadal at the 2017 Australian Open. In short, after Federer's injury lay-off in 2016, he came back with even more attacking intent. Coming over this backhand (that is, hitting attacking topspin backhands) more than ever, coming to the net more, and basically going for broke and playing with a freedom and confidence we will probably never see again in our lifetime.
For all the elegance and class Federer possesses, Djokovic matches it with a brand of doggedness that can only be bred behind the former Iron Curtain. Look at his coach Marián Vajda's eyes and tell me you think Djokovic will give up. If Federer is a leopard, Djokovic is a honey badger. I once saw a video of a honey badger being bitten by a puffadder while fighting it. The honey badger swallowed the snake, passed out for 10 minutes, and then woke up after as if nothing happened. That's Djokovic. He finds a way.
If I had to choose someone to play for my life, it would be Djokovic. If he lost and I had to watch someone for eternity, it would be Federer. May the best (gentle)man win today.
(Wait, what? It's not Djokovic and Federer? Whoops. Wait, what? I'm right? Of course I am).
WIMBLEDON IN NUMBERS
2000: Rackets strung at this year's tournament. Each player has about seven to nine freshly strung rackets in his bag for every match.
166,055: Portions of strawberries and cream consumed. Grade 1 English strawberries from Kent (one year they ran out and had to use strawberries from Sussex - the Duchess of Kent almost choked in her tea. Never again).
50: Aces served by Roger Federer in the 2009 final which he won by beating Andy Roddick 16-14 in the fifth set.
12-12: The score in the fifth set at which a tiebreak will be played - a new rule introduced this year.
225: British pounds for a ticket at this year's final, which works out to about R3,940 (that's a lot of strawberries and cream from Spar).
• Eckhard Cloete is a copywriter and three-time men's singles champion at Gardens Lawn Tennis Club in Cape Town.
