A delightful pocket-book guide compiled in 1890, Etiquette for Gentlemen, offers all manner of guidance — hilariously so, in certain respects. How times have changed — or have they? As we begin to emerge from Covid's constraints, it's opportune to revisit our social norms.
Unfortunately, politeness seems to be fading, fast. It should be invisible, but now it stands out by exception. When last did you see a seat being offered to an elderly person, or a driver voluntarily giving way at an intersection? Yet politeness has a persistent power, and those who disdain manners or mock etiquette are actually masking a begrudging admiration.
Masks raise an entirely new set of etiquette guidelines, impossible for the rule-makers of the last century to have envisaged. ICU nurse Wendy Pearce is particularly scathing of the "disrespectful chin slinger, or the nose flasher. Why bother? And masks on the table in restaurants — ew!"
More broadly, when meeting people, "I use a Covid code," says her husband, Greg, a retired shipping agent. "Don't know you, bump elbows. Met before, bump fists. I know you, shake hands — and sanitise. Close friends and relatives, shoulder hugs to the side."
Telephone etiquette has gone to seed. Apple, Nokia, et al have determined we should be permanently on call. Nonetheless, resist the urge to answer in a tone conveying how absolutely busy you are (except when your boss calls).
As for silent, vibrate, or airplane modes, discretion dictates that the off-button is the better part of valour: a gentleman most certainly doesn't want the pockets of his pants to vibrate in plain sight, and a lady should not tempt fate to blast out Another One Bites the Dust at a funeral.
Meal times are the setting for the gamut of human performances. A dinner invitation at someone's home, if they're not close acquaintances, can be stomach-knotting.
Bringing a gift is always appropriate, but take the trouble to ensure your hosts aren't teetotallers before opting for that easy bottle of wine.
Don't delay when your hostess calls you to the table — but pause before claiming a seat, as she may have plotted a seating arrangement. If you're baffled by the array of cutlery, it's easy: think smaller cutlery, smaller courses.
If, unexpectedly, the meal is to be eaten with one's hands, the onus is upon the guest to embrace the moment, wholeheartedly. Hands, as we know, can be sanitised later. Above all, as Etiquette for Gentlemen sensibly advises, "the chief matter of consideration at the dinner table … is to be perfectly composed and at ease".
Here's another gem from the book: "A guest should remember that, however welcome he may be, he is not always wanted." Monitor the curfew hour's approach to avoid possible embarrassment when your host starts dimming lights, or, worse, is left with no option but to invite you to stay the night.
We're conversationally rusty. After 14 months of limited social contact, learning a few graceful chatting tricks is hugely helpful. For instance, when at a conversational crossroads, with seemingly no way past pursuing what your new acquaintance does for a living, a winsome tactic is to comment how difficult their job must be. Inevitably, they will bask in your appreciation, and will proceed into a monologue for 15 minutes.
We're conversationally rusty. After 14 months of limited social contact, learning a few graceful chatting tricks is hugely helpful
A reminder: even when engaged in warm conversation, never assume a touch on the arm is OK, and no matter how beautiful a dress or a shawl, resist the urge to feel the fabric. Navigating personal space has always been fraught with sensitivities, and semi-isolation hasn't necessarily unleashed a craving for innocuous forms of contact.
The new workplace: how far apart is neither rude, nor risky? This requires judgment and deliberation — as with all things work-related. Indeed, business etiquette should always be taken seriously. It facilitates clear communication, smooths operations, and instils calmness during a crisis. In today's complex business environment, good leaders cultivate emotional fortitude, part of which is to empathise and to express feelings appropriately.
If you're not the boss, know that good corporate etiquette is almost certainly a precondition for climbing the corporate ladder. Let the minions think you're sycophantic — being overly polite at work will get you noticed. So, open the meeting room door for colleagues. Usher women into the lift first. Nod along at the audit committee meeting, even if you're stifling boredom (wear your mask to hide the yawns).
Digital has transformed the dating game. Still, first-date dinners require impeccable manners at the restaurant. But don't fawn; leave that to the waitstaff. Avoid ordering too oddly: oysters may signal a suggestive aphrodisiac, but observing the process and hearing the sloshy slurps may not be your companion's idea of pleasurable dining. Rather, choose simpler dishes and show your style in the manner of ordering: with panache and flourish, as if the establishment has the regular privilege of your company.
A lady should offer to pay her way, but a gentleman must refuse — graciously, of course. Irrespective of the service, tip over-generously, if only to remind yourself this is a special occasion.
Two modern businesswomen offer insights for men. Recruitment agency owner Carol Ann Farrelly still appreciates the gentlemanly touch: "On a date, a man should definitely open the car door for a lady." Business consultancy owner and CEO Candy Kasonkomona is even more adamant: "Absolutely, yes. But what's the point of pretending during a date? Manners should be a part of his DNA."
Clearly, our post-feminism age notwithstanding, women appreciate thoughtfulness.
Ultimately, dating has a very clear protocol: where love is involved, unveil your heart and let the cards fall where they may. After all, manners maketh (wo)man, but love conquers all.
"He's a gentleman: look at his boots." Where clothes are concerned, options and rules have changed much since George Bernard Shaw wrote Pygmalion in the early 1900s. Today, common sense should prevail. There are only two rules: except when cycling, men must avoid lycra; and women should minimise the risk of "mutton dressed as lamb" mutterings.
Displaying good manners leads to unanticipated benefits. Manners cushion our faux pas. A heartfelt, humble apology, perhaps accompanied by a conciliatory gift, smooths social fissures. Ironically, then, etiquette is a means of doing the right thing, and not missing a beat when somehow we get it wrong.
Etiquette is an investment in one's self-esteem and in enabling that little bit of good luck we all need. Let's be honest: etiquette and manners can sometimes be tricky, even an inconvenience, but they present a very modest challenge. After all, what does a moment of care, a smile or a compliment cost?
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