"Dad", "ubaba", "pa", "utata", "ntate": male parents go by many monikers in SA, and are unanimously celebrated on June 20 via the all-encompassing, if somewhat formidably named, Father's Day.
One such father is writer, poet, blogger, and former editor of Destiny Man, Kojo Baffoe.
Baffoe recently released a collection of essays, Listen to Your Footsteps, recounting his transcontinental heritage — his dad is Ghanaian, his mum German: the loss of his mother at a young age; being raised in Lesotho; his struggles with substance abuse; and learning how to challenge masculinity in its most literal — and devastating — form. (Click here to read an extract of the book.)
And yes — that of fatherhood: Baffoe and his wife Estelle have two children: teenaged Kweku, and youngster Ayanna.
In his chapter "Raising a boy and a girl", Baffoe candidly writes that raising a child isn't child's play.
"That's a huge question," Baffoe tells me during a telephonic interview, in response to a question about what his approach to child-rearing is.
He highlights being clear on values and how you show up in the world: "To be able to mirror that and serve as an example to your children.
"I had to do a lot of work on myself," he continues, adding that, to be a better parent and a better father is a continuous odyssey. "I come with my own baggage and luggage. I teach my kids the same values I was raised with — respect for yourself and others, and knowing that there are multiple plans open to you."
Genderised norms attached to activities and toys are derided by Baffoe, who maintains that he tries not to expose his children to things in that division. "What are you interested in?" is the de facto approach he takes to developing his children's hobbies.
"It's not about being a boy or a girl," he fervently states, adding that his daughter, Ayanna, was initially drawn to the drums, whereafter his son Kweku joined her. A few months later Ayanna replaced percussion with piano and keyboard. "'I've done the drumming, it's not for me. This is what I want to do now'," Baffoe explains of her decision to channel her inner Phuti Sepuru as opposed to John Bonham.
As for how lockdown has affected the parenting-cum-teaching process? Not much, it turns out, because both Baffoe and Estelle have been working from home for years.
"During lockdown we found a rhythm," Baffoe explains. "I've always taken the kids to school, I wake them up, and settle them at their 'desks' with whatever device they're connected to."
I ask Baffoe about his stance on paternity leave, which he passionately endorses.
It's important to me to teach my daughter that she can do anything she decides she wants to do. My son shouldn't expect women or girls around him to do anything for his comfort. It's a two-way thing
— Kojo Baffoe
"Well, it's a couple that are expecting a child — why are you going to exclude the men from the process?" he questions. "It goes both ways, and some men use it as a cop-out: 'I'm not involved in that stuff'."
Baffoe describes the first weeks of when a baby comes home as frightening, daunting, and terrifying. "Especially the first month. That's when you're finding a new rhythm as a household."
How does he go about raising a girl in a society plagued by patriarchal norms and misogyny?
"There's no easy answer," Baffoe heavily responds, adding that his approach to writing about the topic is by acknowledging that he has a girl and a boy, that we live in a patriarchal world, and that systems are built in a particular way.
"It's important to me to teach my daughter that she can do anything she decides she wants to do. My son shouldn't expect women or girls around him to do anything for his comfort. It's a two-way thing."
Baffoe states that sexism and misogyny are a man's problem, not a woman's problem, because women are the victims of institutionalised discrimination. "To change it, us as men have to change.
"It's the same way in racism. You can't expect the oppressed to change the system that oppressed them. I view things that way — to try and educate both my children."
Baffoe adds that he was "very close" to his father, explaining that his father was his only parent for most of his life.
"He influenced greatly the man I am, and how I view the world."
