Dads! They come in all sizes, styles, textures and flavours. Some are scary, some are super sweet; some are on the periphery and some are up close and personal; some are wild rebels and some toe the line.
They may not have carried us, birthed us, or breast-fed us, but fathers do remain singular parents.
Here’s to a acknowledging and applauding dads in all their gloriously diverse manifestations. Viva la padre!
THE YOUNG DAD
Photographer Alaister Russell became a dad at the age of 24. He's since separated from the mother of his soon-to-be seven-year-old son, Alex.
Russell shares his thoughts on co-parenting (yea); medicating young, boisterous children (nay); and looking forward to that first Black Label draught with an 18-year-old Alex.
How did becoming a dad at a young age affect your life as a man in his mid-20s?
Becoming a dad in my mid-20s did a lot of good for me. It forced me to think about my decisions. I had to be responsible and start thinking about my future. It lit a fire under me and motivated me to push in all directions — to examine my personality and work on things I wasn't happy with.
Being a dad at a young age made me question who I was and who I wanted to be because there were little eyes watching me. I needed to step up and set a good example for the little guy. Initially it was scary but it gave me a push in the right direction.
How do you go about raising your son in a patriarchal society?
Our parents weren't as conscious about it. The patriarchal structures of their time were stronger than they are now but as a young man, we weren't taught about these things, at least not in my household. My mom was the breadwinner, she was an achiever — she headed the home, so I only realised later that we live in a deeply unbalanced society.
I try to talk to my little one about these things. I make sure he knows that there are injustices and imbalances — things he needs to stand up to. I'm teaching him, leading by example so that his subconscious soaks it up and it becomes ingrained in him. I want to give him the tools to see the world clearly and understand — without prejudice — society's injustices. But I don't want to use shock tactics. I want him to be prepared to pick up the torch when I drop it someday.
Your thoughts on shared custody of a young child?
Shared custody, co-parenting, is difficult. Ultimately, though, it's for the best. It's better that Alex has two loving homes than one home where there's conflict. He struggles because society says that families are made up of mommies and daddies and they live in one house raising kids together. But he has two loving, happy parents who are keeping his best interests at heart.
You have a boisterous boy. What are your thoughts on medicating young, lively children?
He's really hyperactive. I struggled with that when I was a kid. It was very frustrating and I can see that in him. I don't want to put him on medication because I don't think there's anything wrong with him. Children are supposed to be boisterous and playful, they're supposed to have imaginations that run wild. We should find natural ways for him to be creative and burn his energy in positive ways that create confidence. There's isn't anything wrong with him. What's wrong is a society that says if you're hyperactive you're un-teachable.
What are you looking forward to sharing with Alex when he turns 18?
I'd love to have a Zamalek with him. There are a lot of things I want to do with him. I can't wait to go to cultural events with him; to show him art and for him to learn to appreciate it because that's how you grow your mind. I'd love to go to music festivals together. Being a young dad is quite cool, because when he's 18 I'll be in my early 40s. I look forward to travelling with him, going on holidays together and seeing different parts of the country, learning things from each other while pursuing mutual interests.
THE MULTIRACIAL CO-PARENTING DAD
Actor and Instagram funny-man Sandi Dlangalala's four-year-old daughter Lula was born when he and Lula's mother were students at Rhodes. Although they're not in a relationship, the decision to raise Lula together was a unanimous one.
Here Dlangalala chats about what it means to be a dad, the positives of raising a multiracial child, and how his young 'un is already starting to show a flair for the creative.
How did becoming a young dad, who wasn't in a relationship with the mother of your child, influence your parenting?
It was stressful and came with its challenges because my daughter wasn't planned. I had nine months to mentally prepare myself and wrap my head around the gravity of the reality. It was a sobering experience realising that I don't exist solely for myself anymore. It forced me to grow up and instilled a better work ethic in me because I want to be able to provide for my daughter. It helped me finally understand the love of a parent for their child.
How do you go about raising a daughter in a world permeated by patriarchal norms?
I try not to live via patriarchal norms, nor do I impose patriarchy when parenting. I show my daughter that she has a right to be heard in this world. By breaking down my own ideas about patriarchy, I try to set the example that norms can be questioned and shifted.
What does being a dad mean to you?
It means being selfless and it means sacrifice — putting your child first and loving her with all your being.
Your daughter is 'multiracial'. What are the lekker aspects of raising a child who isn't 'confined' to one heritage?
I think it will instill an appreciation for differences; and the privilege of being exposed to more.
Like her dad, your daughter is quite the performer. What's it like raising a mini-you?
Ah, it is nice to see that there's a performer in her — she shows signs of being creative. But it also causes stress as any artist will tell you that this career choice is an uphill battle, especially in this country.
THE SAME-SEX COUPLE DAD
Acclaimed novelist and short story writer SJ Naudé and his husband, risk manager Pierre Brugman's decision to have a child was a lengthy and demanding process. The many obstacles aside, Emile Brugman-Naudé's arrival was met with ecstasy.
As to whether he has Naudé's penchant for words, or Brugman's knack for numbers, is yet to be seen, but he does seem alarmingly proficient with a rugby ball ...
What was your experience of becoming a parent as a same-sex couple?
When two men want to have a child that has a genetic connection with one of them, surrogacy is the only option. This is a lengthy process and it's emotionally demanding, expensive and complex. It took my husband Pierre and me three years and entailed four surrogates, two court applications, three egg donations, three IVF cycles, one miscarriage and five embryo transfers. It required perseverance and grit. All of that was almost instantly forgotten when our son was born and we first held him against our chests.
Since then not a day has gone by that we don't look at him in wonderment, finding it hard to believe he's really ours. Not that parenting, needless to say, entails ecstasy only; it's hard work, and challenges you in ways that you've never been challenged before. The greater flexibility and fluidity of roles in same-sex relationships helps a lot. So does the fact that our son, who's now almost three, has the most extraordinary temperament: bold, joyful, fearless, sensitive, headstrong and with a startlingly grown-up sense of humour.
What does being a dad mean to you?
It means the fulfilment of a long-held desire — or urge — that doesn't require explanation or analysis.
And not that there's anything incomplete about being a couple (or, for that matter, not having children and having a variety of relationships, or having neither relationships nor children), but for us it means that our small family is now complete.
It means that a new dimension of enormous richness has been added to our lives, and that a network of new relationships between us and our child and between him and family members and friends (ours and his) has been developing.
It means that one has an enormous responsibility for continually creating, in a supple and responsive manner, the optimal conditions to enable our son to have whatever future he may want. It means protecting, caring for and teaching him things; it means helping him to build emotional, social and intellectual skills, as well as independence and resilience, and, ultimately, alas, it means letting go. As you can gather, we veer towards the intensive parenting end of the scale.
Paternity leave: thoughts?
The law has recently been properly amended to allow equal parenting leave to fit various possible family structures. Even before this change, Pierre's corporate employer was progressive enough to offer same-sex couples (i.e. the primary carer, irrespective of gender) the same post-birth parenting leave as heterosexual couples. Research emphasises the importance of the involvement of both parents in the early years of a child's life, if there are two parents.
The South African model is still not adequately generous or gender-neutral, in the way that several European systems are. In Denmark, for instance, parents get a year's leave after the birth of a child, most of which may be divided between them as they choose. In the Netherlands, both parents are entitled to work only four days per week when their children are young.
What was your relationship with your father like? How did it influence how you're raising your child?
My father had an intense and demanding career, but particularly in my young years he was an incredibly hands-on father, at a time when this wasn't the norm. He got up at night and changed nappies, he swam and played with us for hours and sang and read books to us. He did try to get me interested in a rugby ball, without much success. Ironically, our three-year-old already seems very interested in a rugby ball. For our sins, my husband and I may, in the near future, be condemned to spending hours next to a rugby pitch.
Whereas my father was very involved in his children's lives when he was young and less so when he was consumed by his career later on, I had my son when I was two decades older and have more patience and time than when I was a young lawyer and might have been unable to be a very dedicated father. I hope to follow my father's example in the sense that, even in his busy and somewhat absent years, there was nothing he wouldn't do for his children.
How did having an infant in the house affect your writing?
It's harder to write with an infant or toddler in the house. But it's certainly not impossible. I recently published a new collection of stories, Mad Honey, which, more than previous work, thematically often deals with parents and children (even though much of it was written before our son's birth). I also have a novel ready in manuscript form.
When I do have time, I now write in a more disciplined fashion than before. And I'm perhaps less precious about it, in the sense that I don't need to feel "ready" to write (or "inspired", to use the old-fashioned term). One has no choice but to switch it on and off at will.
THE PANDEMIC DAD
Melville-based seamster — and staunch Liverpool fan — Musa Staubi, and his wife Mwandida, welcomed their son Hameed in March 2021. Becoming a dad is one thing; becoming a dad mid-global pandemic another.
Here Staubi reflects on his new role as parent, and Hameed's future as fellow Scouser enthusiast.
What's it like being a new dad?
Being a new dad is a challenge to me, but a challenge I'm happy to face — it's a good one, and I'm proud of it.
Hameed was born during a pandemic. How did Covid influence the process of having a baby?
It was a tough time for us, especially for my wife. Because of lockdown and the prevalence of Covid it was difficult for her to communicate with health-care workers at the clinic. With the social distancing rules it wasn't easy for the two of us to meet the doctors.
Will your son also be a Liverpool supporter?
Obviously!
