Try to be kinder to yourself and others

Have you noticed how often when someone asks us how we're doing, the words "I'm fine, thanks" tend to tumble out of our mouths? I guess it's because "I'm exhausted beyond comprehension and feel so depleted by the heaviness that surrounds me," doesn't quite roll off the tongue, does it? But in this current climate it seems that's how many of us feel.

Yet you will find that our social media often reflects a digital version of "I'm fine, thanks" — as we show off the latest spoils from a weekend of what was actually stress-baking or post a motivational quote when we're in a heap of blankets willing ourselves to get out of bed.

It's old news that what many people put on their social media is more of a "highlights reel" than it is a depiction of how they're really feeling or behaving, but I wonder if the need to portray happiness or show positive things is intensified by the sheer anxiety and distress of this "unprecedented time". A form of escapism when the weight of reality is all too real.

Conversely, there are the others who bombard you with every socio-political musing they can muster. I can't tell you how many times I've scrolled quickly past a meme or article delivering an avalanche of negativity that I'm desperately trying to avoid. During a particularly difficult news day, for every ping of a WhatsApp group, there's a bead of anxious sweat on my forehead.

And it's not that I don't care about what's going on around the globe or in my own backyard, sometimes the tank is just a little too empty for it. It can be anything from needing to maintain a smile on your face for your kids who've been plunged into home schooling for the umpteenth time or trying keep your spirits up for a meeting.

And it seems that there's judgment no matter what you do.

People hurl insults at influencers who keep up with their usual content when it feels like the world is in crisis; others mute the social commentators. In truth, we're all going through something and we all deal with it differently. It shouldn't matter which way your use of social media swings or, if like me, you tend to oscillate between the two. As long as you're not hurting anyone.

One recent Friday night during a heavier lockdown, I was a few sips into an apple cider I'd found in a corner of my leftover braai stock (booze ban antics, right?), before I discovered it was way past its sell-by date. As I Googled the perils of expired liquor, I was just about ready to update my will.

After pulling myself together, I wondered how many others found themselves equally out of character or all over the place. This pondering stayed with me much longer than that frothy brew I eventually poured down the drain. But my insides felt just as fermented from the scale of this pandemic and pandemonium. And the last thing I felt like was talking about it — never mind on social media.

It shouldn't matter which way your use of social media swings or, if like me, you tend to oscillate between the two. As long as you're not hurting anyone

Registered counsellor and relationship specialist Simone Poppleton says the need for engagement, especially in such an uncertain time, is partly what drives people to post incessantly. It can also be about seeking validation. "It's more an act of putting feelings out there, unlike the deeply personal act of journalling," she says.

Poppleton reminds us to be mindful that we all process the same experience differently. "Rather than judging how others are responding from your lens, it's helpful to understand that people process fear and anxiety in different ways," she says.

Internal processors process a situation inwardly and don't always verbalise things openly, whereas external processors tend to process by bouncing ideas off other people — and you can actually see this play out on social media.

When something on social media impacts you negatively, it's best to think about what's in your control. "You can't control what people post, but you are in control of how you react," she says. Recognise that if something is putting you in a bitter, hurtful or comparison space, perhaps it's best to remove yourself from it.

Poppleton suggests looking at it as three interlinked circles. "The inside circle is what's in my control, the outside circle is what's out of my control and the middle one is what's in my influence. It's between me and the other. How do I want to influence the space? I can either react harshly or with kindness. Or I have the option to unfollow or block," she says.

If a situation leaves you a little overwhelmed, reach out. "Maybe you need a break, a friend, a good cry or a cup of tea," she suggests.

While using social media well is great for connection, information and integration, some people also like mindlessly scrolling to relax. Poppleton warns not to unwittingly disconnect from those around you and to create a boundary between personal decompression and having intentional quality time with your loved ones.

It's fair to say nothing about everything we're experiencing is normal. So, every time you take an extra deep whiff of your coffee to test your sense of smell, yearn to qualify for a vaccine, roll your eyes at a conspiracy theory or any other lockdown-induced panic sets in, give yourself a little grace. And try to be kinder to yourself and others — even on social media.