For some of us, April 1 2007 was a life-changing day. It might not mean much to you, if you're privileged. This auspicious date was when MultiChoice made enemies for life by discontinuing their M-Net Open Time slot, which used to broadcast TV shows as “free to air”.
If you're still lost, take a sip of your Woolies water and allow me to explain the predicament that some South Africans continue to be in, as stage 6 rolling blackouts dictate when we can live our lives the way we want to.
For the bulk of South Africans who couldn't afford to pay the hefty M-Net monthly subscription in the 1990s, the 5pm-7pm slot every day was the highlight of the day. Classics such as Duck Tails, Dawson’s Creek and The X-Files were favourites for these families who huddled around the TV to catch the latest American and European productions.
The opportunity to catch two hours of M-Net Open Time was so vital that people reportedly moved their dinner times to before 16:59 or after 19:01 to make sure that their daily dose of premium entertainment wasn't missed.
This was a time when recording devices such as PVR, streaming services and internet hadn't yet proliferated in the home entertainment industry. For two straight hours a day, every day, we'd hold in our pee, too scared to miss a minute of a show. No wonder my bladder is now giving me issues.
As the soft life progressed and we were able to afford a DStv subscription, we realised that premium programming wasn't limited to just two hours a day. All of a sudden we were watching the Volvo Ocean Race featuring boats called “yachts”, wondering how to pronounce that word, and when we'd see Volvo cars racing in the ocean, which is what we initially expected.
Fast-forward to a time when we're used to 24 hours of ultra-soft life featuring sports such as fencing and lawn bowls, and add load-shedding to the mix. Thanks to the incompetence of our power utility, we have electricity in two-hour intervals. Some of us are beyond triggered by these tendencies.
This year’s Rugby World Cup started two days ago and I'm sad to report that I have already missed a number of fixtures as my load-shedding schedule coincided with some matches. This is more serious than you think, as I've been diagnosed with PVR: previewing reflux. This is a common form of anxiety in South Africa where we get so apprehensive about when next we won't have power, we go into a tailspin during the two hours we do have electricity.
Load-shedding is more than just not having power for two hours; it can have devastating consequences. If there's one thing that's united South Africans across all backgrounds, racial lines and economic standings, it's rugby. Thanks to the daily blackouts, the Rainbow Nation is facing an existential crisis where we are unable to watch 80 minutes of a unifying game.
To make matters worse, the lack of electricity is affecting South Africans in other less obvious ways. Last month, DStv launched a new nation-building channel called Zee Zonke, airing Zulu-dubbed Bollywood content.
Every two hours, Ntombi from Umlazi mimics Aishwarya Rai’s Bollywood dance sequences, knowing that she is not confined to just Amapiano dance moves
If you know a little history about KwaZulu-Natal, you'll know that there was a period when its Zulu and Indian inhabitants didn't share bunny chows or pap around a table. So imagine their delight when Bollywood finally met Shaka Zulu, but every two hours?
Every 120 minutes, a young Zulu boy is now enthused by Amitabh Bachchan, who happens to speak the same language as him on TV. Every two hours, Ntombi from Umlazi mimics Aishwarya Rai’s Bollywood dance sequences, knowing that she is not confined to just amapiano moves.
Even the Twitter streets were shaken by Zee Zonke. A few days ago, a mother on social media admitted to not believing her son when he was adamant that his crush — Priyanka Chopra — speaks isiZulu. Imagine how this teenager's psyche is messed with every time he isn't able to tune into channel 169 for his daily dose of Bollywood education as he debunks Indian stereotypes that he might have grown up witnessing.
Zee Zonke is a cultural ambassador for all things Indian, assisting the country and its people to expand their global influence in the same way Hollywood did for the US.
Australian director and producer Baz Luhrmann credits Bollywood as the inspiration behind his hit musical film Moulin Rouge. Imagine if Luhrmann had power every two hours? None of us would have sung the lyrics Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?, which mean Do you want to sleep with me tonight?, by the way ...
To those who have generators, inverters, solar-powered homes, uninterrupted power supplies and a myriad other alternatives, load-shedding is no longer a huge inconvenience. To the rest, though, having access to power in two-hour intervals is simply triggering, taking us back to a dark time in our lives.
Power to all the people!
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