Here's the problem with all this longevity gumph - it's excruciatingly boring. Yes, everyone says the news cycle is getting faster and people’s concentration spans are being eroded by the evil algorithms but the old codgers at the top of the pile didn't get the memo. Why, dear God, am I back in 2018? Everywhere I look, the same old men are shuffling across my timeline like it’s 3pm and the bingo game is on.
It’s like waking up and discovering that it wasn't a nightmare. You really are still in high school with a bad haircut and rampant acne trying to make eye contact with that boy four desks over while maintaining control over the workings of your blood circulatory system. Hell!
It's 2024, I'm told, but every where I look I'm in a dreadful time loop and all the "antiques" think it’s open season on world domination. Donald Trump is napping through his trial with the porn star, sorry, the self employed director of her personal sexual destiny. Boy is there going to be hell to pay when he wakes up! Just you wait and see how the very stable genius shuffles back onto the global stage to tackle Old Joe in hand-to-hand combat and pointed insults (if they can remember to remember them).
It would be easy to ignore if the old fossils stayed put in their retirement compounds, but even our own Gedleyihlekisa is busy shuffling forth from his fire pool to throw his hat once more into the ring. 82 years old is nothing in the greater scheme of things. No wonder Juju thinks he's entitled to hit the decks at his business associates' weddings in Ibiza — he is the actual youth in this "age before reason" schematic. Putin is just hitting his stride at 72 years old. Fresh blood, I tell you.
I suppose as an 80-plus pater familias you are, in fact, at great advantage; the closer you come to total obliteration the less constrained you feel by the small quotidian worries of the younger folk — the ones who might have some actual skin in the game. Why let things like the fiscus worry you when you only have maybe four more years left to completely drain it.
The thing that dismays me the most is that all the research into longevity and bioengineering promises an eternity of boredom unspooling into our future for ever and ever. If the scientists messing with our DNA by way of the CRISPR (Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short Palindromic Repeats) — a bacterial defense system that forms the basis for genome editing technology — work any faster, they're going to keep this lot alive and kicking for a lot longer still, and probably reboot their software while they're at it. Then they'll be able to play put their megalomania as long as they damn well please.
I don’t understand why the blue zone researchers have been hanging out in obscure villages in Okinawa and Sardinia — when the real OGs of longevity are sitting on their thrones in Washington, Mar a Lago and Nkandla. These guys can really show you what you need to survive indefinitely into the future so that you too can bore the younger folks into submission.
When you triangulate the research — the following factors are consistent across all samples: regular naps — in the case of Trump take them anytime with alacrity (they really help); a feeling for younger women — in all instances - and a solid, untrammelled belief that no matter how old you are, you're still the only guy who can get the job done - and, according to Stormy, you can get it done real quick - because that’s how spirited you really are.
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