We live in a world in which it's fashionable to pooh-pooh any noises made by conspiracy theorists because, apparently, those people are all loony. Of course, you're not really allowed to use that term either unless you're a slightly deranged columnist with his foot permanently lodged in his mouth.
I believe that last sentence qualifies as an example of “weaponised buffoonery". I'm as prone to falling victim to wild conspiracy theories as anyone. For example, I'm pretty sure that I didn't grow taller than a dwarfish 1.7m which destroyed my dreams of one day winning Wimbledon, because Wouter Basson put something in the water supply in all urban townships. That's why South African men are the imps of African manhood.
I harbour another outlandish conspiracy theory. What I know about economics, financial markets and monetary systems is best described as “extremely dangerous". But I don't feel that’s sufficient reason to stop me sharing my half-baked theories about the economy. I believe that South Africa has been in a recession for at least two years but the Illuminati, Bilderberg group and Stellenbosch mafia have kept it secret by using Bill Gates’s 5G towers to control our minds. I'm basing this largely on the inexplicable price of loo paper. I don't know what criteria that fellow from the Reserve Bank - who yells and intimidates us with his impressive 'tache every few weeks - uses to determine whether we’re in a recession or not. But I base my assessment on the number of households that have to choose between food and loo paper in their purchasing decisions.
Please hear me out. I've been scouring the length and breadth of South African social media for anecdotes that support my theory. I call this comprehensive research. Based on my findings, I'm convinced that I’m correct. There are always signs that a nation is in a recession.
The first sign that an economy is tanking is the declining number of people who fill up their automobiles to full at the filling station. Even this lowly columnist used to get to the pump and yell, “Fill her up", in his best John Wayne voice and swagger. Nowadays my trips to my local Engen are preceded by a 10-minute exercise on an Excel spreadsheet I put together to calculate litres per 100km, rev counts, air friction levels and projected kilometres.
In the 2024 South African lexicon, the year 5 BCE is 2013. This is because our BCE stands for Before Cyril’s Economy. Poor man, he can't catch a break. Everything that goes wrong is his fault.
That's why I’ve been known to ask the petrol attendant for R234.75’s worth of 93 octane, which translates to a trip roughly 8km long, at no faster than 91km/h, assuming I’m not driving on a road with a gradient steeper than 15⁰, the tarmac is not wet and the headwind is less than 2.3km/h. I've become that scientific at the petrol bowser. This trick is, needless to say, not recommended for anyone driving an expensive German SUV because R231.75’s worth of petrol isn't enough to drive from one end of the Mall of Africa parking lot to the opposite end. And all of it is pointless unless it’s accompanied by appropriate driving habits such as rolling the car on neutral whenever it hits a decline.
Five years ago, the year 5 BCE referred to 2,029 years ago. In the 2024 South African lexicon, the year 5 BCE is 2013. This is because our BCE stands for Before Cyril’s Economy. Poor man, he can't catch a break. Everything that goes wrong is his fault. If it snowed in Durban on Christmas Day, there'd be at least 10,000 tweets on X, blaming the president for not consulting the rain queens in our midst.
Be that as it may, a friend recently asked her Facebook friends how many times a year they go on family vacations. As I was about to respond with the standard answer of four - one major vacation at the end of the year plus three midterm break mini vacations - one of the many voices inside my head whispered, “Wait, does that still hold true in the BCE years?" That’s when the penny dropped; family vacations have been downgraded for many South Africans. Trips to North America have been replaced by Dubai and Phuket trips. The new Maldives are the Mozambican islands. If we keep on this trajectory, Joburgers will be going on annual vacations to Krugersdorp, Brakpan and other locations in neighbouring states.
The point of this story wasn't to send anyone into the depths of despair. If anything, it was meant to make you feel normal - that you’re not crazy for feeling the pinch. So don’t be ashamed if you can’t afford Roquefort blue cheese any more; just leave your normal cheddar in the cupboard to go mouldy. Plain yoghurt? That’s just fermented milk. But before you reach into your fridge to leave cheddar out, please bear in my mind that it’s probably not recommended to take advice from deranged columnists who believe in conspiracy theories.
Would you like to comment on this article?
Sign up (it's quick and free) or sign in now.
Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.