One of the most controversial but popular shows of the year, Baby Reindeer cleaned up at the Emmy Awards last month, taking the gong for outstanding limited or anthology series. Its star and writer, Richard Gadd, scored outstanding actor and outstanding writing wins, as well as a producing nod. Jessica Gunning won the award for best supporting actress for her role as the stalker in the series. For many, the show was an uncomfortable watch — but, remarkably, the writer based the events of the series on his own life.
If mental health is a dirty secret no-one talks about, then “male rape” are two words that are difficult to fit into any sentence. They conjure up many responses. If female victims of rape are often not believed, imagine how challenging it must be for a man to admit to having been violated. There’s the idea that males can fight back. Women can too, but for men there is the stigma that arises from the perception that sex between males doesn’t happen unless they both want it to, and this can make self-flagellation by survivors worse.
Gadd sat down for an exclusive conversation with me and the Golden Globe Foundation to discuss not only how sharing this story has affected his own life, but also how his doing so has led to social awareness about this issue, enabling others who have suffered abuse to seek help.
“Back in 2016, I did a live comedy show about being sexually abused,” declared the 35-year-old (one wonders how he could have got a laugh out of the topic). “It prompted the stuff that’s in the fourth episode of Baby Reindeer.” The episode in question depicts a harrowing, hard-to-watch grooming and rape. Though everything is alluded to, the horror and repulsion work their way into your psyche. “Until that point, I’d carried that secret around with me for so long. I’d heard of art as catharsis, but I’d never tried it myself. I came clean about the sexual abuse I’d suffered. Out of that, We Are Survivors (a charity that counsels male victims of abuse and rape) got in touch and asked me to be an ambassador for them. I’ve been an ambassador for the organisation ever since. I’ve done fundraising events and got patrons involved in Baby Reindeer as official partners on the Netflix website. They’ve had a lot of traffic as a result. They’re an amazing charity and have really helped me. I’ve been a client, so I can vouch for them first-hand in terms of the help they give. I’m very proud to be part of We Are Survivors.”
Gadd broaches the topic of how difficult it is for men to share stories of their abuse. “My dad is of the generation that doesn’t talk about feelings. But not talking about feelings only leads to further torment. The mantra of We Are Survivors is ‘break the silence’. Sexual abuse works in a funny way. I spent so long blaming myself when it wasn’t my fault — but the second I started talking about it, everything got better. There are loads of services and charities available, but stigma prevents men from using them. Toxic masculinity often forces men to become cuckolded by their emotions.”
He explains why the social pressure works against healing. “Breaking the silence — where you can speak in a protected, confidential manner without judgment — is always the first step. I convinced myself I should just get over it. It took me two years before I spoke to someone, and the pressure became intolerable. I really came close ... ” He lets the sentence hang, his eyes looking downward. “Each time I spoke to someone, I felt the load get lighter. I felt less judged, and I saw people understood.”
He has the following words of advice for anyone struggling to overcome abuse: “Ensure you take time for yourself and your own self-preservation. Designate time to sit and just be. Do something you enjoy that feels healing and learn how to censor yourself.”
With the success of the show, Gadd has had to come to terms with the idea that “everybody” now knows his personal story. His skin is very white, his eyes glacier blue, and his black hair emphasises the paleness of his complexion. The intensity of his truth sits heavily on his shoulders. He does not smile.
“On some bad days, I’m like, ‘Everyone’s thinking about it and judging me.’ It’s a weird story — very idiosyncratic. The show is singular in its tone and vision. It’s struck a chord with so many people. We were number one in Qatar and Lebanon, and about 200-million people have watched it. If I think about it too much, I’m like, ‘There are 250-million people judging me!’ But I get a lot of positive responses — people saying how much the show has helped them or encouraged them to speak to their families, or how it has enabled their families to come to terms with things that happened. It’s been a load of stuff at once, but it’s also been hugely uplifting and quite daunting. It was a big old journey for sure.”
But Gadd doesn’t regret going public. “I wouldn’t take anything back. The show has had such a positive impact on the world. We Are Survivors had 200% more referrals to their website, and 53% of these cited Baby Reindeer as the reason they sought help. About 40% of stalking charities in the UK have seen increases in their referral rates. The show is helping people so much. That it was number one in countries where I probably wouldn’t be allowed to go to proves it’s breaking down boundaries. So any daunting feelings or stress I feel from certain elements of it I can put to one side for the greater good,” he says.
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