Only WH Auden could properly lament the tragedy that befell us all this week. In his immortal words, it's time to “Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone”. The Kolisis, as a couple, are no more and, as their relationship unravels, so do all our hopes for #couplegoals. What hope do we mere mortals have if even a relationship that withstood the sauna of South Africa’s online vitriol without breaking a sweat can go gently into that good night? It was a sad week, but not unexpected. Not because anyone thought the Kolisi marriage couldn’t go the distance, but because we all seem to be going off marriage.
It’s easy for older folk to run around wailing that young people don’t appreciate the value of marriage. It's similarly simple for the whippersnappers to furiously tweet about how boomers have made marriage too expensive. However, the real reason marriages seem to be turning into sprints instead of marathons may be a little more structural. In a world where everything is updated every two weeks, maybe it's time we updated how we do marriage as well.
Earlier this year, the country's favourite number crunchers, Stats SA, released some interesting statistical truths about how we tie the knot. Their latest numbers show that there's been a “significant decline” (29.5%) in the number of civil marriages recorded between 2013 and 2022. This continues a trend that's been ongoing since 2011. Divorces, in their reporting range, were also up by 10.9%.
On the face of it, this looks rather gloomy. No-one ever gazes into their lover’s eyes and thinks of their future in terms of a five-year plan. We want a forever filled with rose petals, Instagram holidays and teenage children who look at us with love and admiration. The truth, unfortunately, is that marriages have been avoiding hitting that software update button that so many other aspects of our lives have received.
Think about it for a second. When our grandparents got married, the world was a lot more black and white (literally). Young women went to school for literacy so that their husbands could parade their “clever” wives around. Men did the financial heavy lifting and came home to rule their little kingdoms like Ramses III of Bloemfontein. There wasn’t much in the way of electricity, so by the end of winter, granny and grandpa had found other ways to keep warm and the family kept expanding. It was a simple arrangement. Going into Gen X, not much changed, except fewer kids and more female empowerment, but the operating system was the same. We don’t live in that world any more.
Women no longer need men to live a successful life. In fact, marriage isn't a necessity for anyone any more. Instead it's an accoutrement that shows others you seem to be happy. What’s worse is that in the past, your options were limited by things like geography, class, race and sex. We now live in a free-for-all where an Afrikaans girl is just as likely to fall for Siya Kolisi as she is for a one-legged pirate with a master's degree. Our access to choices and independence is greater than ever, and marriage needs to reflect that.
So why not opt for a 10-year marriage with the option to renew in year nine? Knowing there's a sell-by date will also help keep everyone sweet.
So what does this mean practically? We can start with the whole living situation. Love is wonderful; sharing personal space indefinitely, is not. Anecdotal evidence shows that what often kills either the romance or the actual marriage is being mired in another person’s habits every day. On a long enough timeline, dirty clothes on the floor become a divorceable offence. Similarly, few things can become more existentially taxing than someone who insists on choosing the middle of a Springbok game for the moment they want to unload their feelings about the week. This is easily remedied. Become neighbours, even if you're neighbours in the same house. Sleep in separate rooms. Develop common areas, spaces where you can both come together willingly and leave when the other starts droning on about World War 2. If you're worried about the children, don’t be. They'll understand everything that's explained fully and executed consistently.
Next, let’s introduce the idea of fixed-term marriages. When our grandparents were getting married, chances were, one would be dead by 70. These days, many of us are going to live longer. In a world that's changing faster than soiled nappies, tying yourself down for that long isn't such a good idea. So why not opt for a 10-year marriage with the option to renew in year nine? Knowing there's a sell-by date will also help keep everyone sweet.
Finally, let’s scrap wedding planners. While there's no concrete proof of it, the tinfoil hat wearers of the marriage-o-sphere are convinced that these people are at the head of a global conspiracy to make weddings cost the Earth. There's no reason anyone should pay R10,000 for a cake. The rascals, and our own crippling need to impress everyone around us, are allegedly the reason so many couples start their married lives in debt. That debt gets added to by housing and children, and the next thing you know, you’re in a three-hour screaming match about shorts in the doorway when really you have no idea how you plan to pay your bills.
Getting married looks great. Spending your life with your best friend and favourite sex partner seems delightful, but clearly, the way we're now doing it isn't working for an increasing number of people. So why not spice it up a bit and tell us how it goes.
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