Welcome to your special place in hell

Hell is an invention of the church. So said US Episcopal bishop Shelby Spong. Of all believers, he was my favourite Christian intellectual. And that’s why I’m hiding behind his mental prowess; I’m a coward. But I agree that the concept of hell was invented with tithes in mind, just like the indulgences of 16th century Europe that made Martin Luther go all Castro on the Pope.

I do believe that some people deserve to be in that mythological place called hell, where dead people like Stalin, Hitler and poor Judas Iscariot have spent years apparently being sodomised by devils who have spent an eternity exerting eternal pain on unsuspecting sinners. And I’m not oblivious to the contradiction inherent in Satan punishing evil people for advancing his cause on Earth. But very intelligent theologians have impressively sophisticated responses to every critique of their belief system — from Abraham listening to voices inside his head telling him to murder his own son to the Virgin Mary getting a visit from an angel called Gabby and mysteriously falling pregnant afterwards. I’m writing these words on Ash Wednesday, so I must be under the spell of the Lord of Hades.

I don’t believe Abraham was justified in trying to carve up his son, Isaac, because he was being driven by the spirit of the Almighty. I think Abraham was being a drama queen because Isaac kept leaving his skidmarked shorts lying around the PlayStation.

My point is, if hell did actually exist, there are people who deserve to be there. Don’t be daft, of course I’m one of those people. If the Old Testament is accurate, I will be in hell getting roasted like the perfect red heifer in about 30 years. I’m definitely going there. My life hasn’t been exemplary. I have flouted at least eight of the Ten Commandments in my 53 years of life. I haven’t murdered anyone yet ...

I’ll tell you who else deserves a special place in hell: Liquor store owners who don’t send their employees on courses dealing with the sensitivities of alcoholics

There is a special place in hell for some of you. For people who cut sandwiches into two rectangles. What psychiatric issue makes anyone do that? A sandwich is cut into two triangles, by definition. And I don’t care about colonial influence whatnot. Why would anyone want to eat a rectangular sandwich? Surely that is grounds for the SAPS to get involved? No? Isn’t that the same level of unacceptability as men who wear white crushed-linen pants? Why is any clothes manufacturer even making white pants? Actually, why are they making any white clothes at all? Women love talking up men wearing a crispy white shirt. Mud from 13th century Persia flies 13,000km just to ruin your day when you’re wearing a white shirt.

There is also a special place in hell for people who use the word “narcissist”. Stop it already, Louisa. S/he is not narcissistic. Just because you don’t like that s/he slept with your sister and told you that s/he is unapologetic about it doesn’t make her/him a narcissist. Not everyone that disagrees with you is a narcissist. Stop it.

I’ll tell you who else deserves a special place in hell: Liquor store owners who don’t send their employees on courses dealing with the sensitivities of alcoholics. Us alcoholics are a sensitive lot. The last thing we need when parked outside a Tops at 8.27am, , waiting for it to open, is a born-again Christian who figures you don’t understand Shona and starts skinnering about people with shaky hands buying cabernet sauvignon at 8.31am. Tendai, we understand Shona because no-one with self-preservation instincts hasn’t learnt Shona by now.

I’ll tell you who else deserves that place of wailing and gnashing of teeth: anyone who sells a 1.5m, 200kg woman — with several chins, multiple armpit flaps and a fat moustache — a triple burger with extra bacon and cheese sauce at Sherwood shopping mall in Brakpan. At 2.37pm, right after she came in around 12.46pm to purchase a 5kg pork rib family meal with onion rings, hash browns and three extra large chips with Russian sausages with her husband Koos and two baby elephants aged three and six. Lady, you’re going straight to extra hell. I’m judging you with all the intensity with which JD Vance hates The Donald.

I’ll tell you who else deserves a special corner in hell: Judgmental newspaper columnists who believe their opinions belong in national newspapers.