Remember when urban music such as hip hop and kwaito was cool? Not marketing-friendly cool, but actually edgy. When politicians such as C Dolores Tucker were trying to have Tupac banned, and parents would bristle with indignation at the very thought of TKZee. Back when urban music wasn’t just a synonym for “black” but actually referred to the soundtrack of young people from inner cities and townships. On the other side of the pencil test, kids listened to the likes of Linkin Park, The Offspring, Green Day and Korn. No matter where you looked, there was a sense of angst in the air. Britney Spears was Toxic, and even Usher just wanted to “let it burn”. Judging by their musical tastes, you’d have sworn teenage rebellion was brewing. The youngsters were plotting, and one day their parents were going to be in for a rude awakening.
Most of those teenagers were millennials, and most of them now work in fluorescently lit offices and organise team-building exercises. What happened? Where did that passion go? Why do they no longer want to set the world on fire?
The short answer: not enough birth control.
Since 1980, the global population has doubled. Think about that for a second. In the lifetime of Ryan Gosling, we’ve managed to add four billion people to the Earth’s guest list. A vast swathe of those people went through their hormonal years hating authority and being unreasonably angry with their parents. They were the girls of the Jackass generation who wore low-rise jeans and took an insanely haphazard approach to layering. They were the skater boys and the FUBU wearers. Those kids thought adulthood was the pits and were determined to escape its clutches. Yet here we are, a few decades later, making sourdough and dreaming about holistic wellbeing.
It’s all because of babies.
Whether you believe in Darwin or your own personal power, the underlying purpose of life has always been to go forth and multiply. Spread that genetic code, and then you can chase your graphic-design dreams. To make sure that instruction is followed, our bodies were implanted with a hack: sex.
Most animals take a very Victorian approach to biological continuity — do your duty and carry on. They have seasons for it, and not all of them get the chance to take part. But that’s because most animals have found enlightenment. They’re uninterested in complicating their lives with ideas of self-actualisation, generational wealth and outsmarting their therapist. Nope, they know the true secret to happiness — finding food, napping, and living long enough to pass on their genes.
Sadly, we’re a bit more complicated. And for this reason sex has been implanted in us to make sure we don’t spend too much time trying to cure cancer or colonise other planets.
Our sex is different. It’s fun, wacky and all-consuming when done right. It will make you forget all about that noble cause you were fighting or those pesky adults. It comes in so many flavours. Male lions just sit on their mates for a few strokes and try not to get bitten. Humans have gimp masks, edging, swings and hot candle wax. What a time! All of it is done to ensure someone gets pregnant.
Once this happens, all that angst goes out the window, smothered by the prospect of two decades as a maid, a bank and a sports coach. That rebellious spirit is replaced by a strong desire to nap.
Whether you believe in Darwin or your own personal power, the underlying purpose of life has always been to go forth and multiply
That’s what happened to the angry teenage millennials. Lured by the short-term euphoria of a gooey slap and tickle, they became the very things they hated: adults. All of a sudden, their parents made sense to them. They realised that those old, bill-paying people they'd spent a lifetime terrorising were just two frustrated humans who wanted to take a nap.
If only they’d had vasectomies to protect themselves.
Gen Zers still have the chance to change their fate, but they’ll need to act fast. The world is falling apart around them, and if they’re not careful, the fire that gets them out of bed and protesting will be replaced by a burning desire to find a school with a nice arts and crafts programme.
Obviously, kids are great, but we have enough of them. There will be nine billion people on Earth by 2050. Get your vasectomies, Gen Z! Tie those tubes! You don’t have to forgo the pleasures of the flesh — but just give up parenting.
The world has many problems, and we can’t have Miss Rachel distracting you.
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