I love our police. No, don’t be that way, I really do love our guys and gals in blue. And yes, I am absolutely virtue signalling — to quote the anti-woke, right-wing kids on Twitter. I’m wading groin deep in the Hypocrisy River. All that said, I will present a watertight, cogent argument about why we all need to join the SAPS supporters' club, as I plan to.
Recently, I was number one in a short queue of two at an ATM in Braamfontein. When the old geezer who had been there for about seven minutes finally finished romancing the money machine, I moved forward. Suddenly, an Inspector Manyisa (not his real name, to protect his integrity) disembarked from his SAPS vehicle — leaving the engine running — and scuttled to the ATM just before I reached it. He apologetically waved me away, saying, “This won’t take a minute.” The patriotic, law-abiding citizen that I am, I slinked back into the two-man queue and waited patiently.
A few observations. First, before you judge my cowardice, I am generally not in the habit of arguing with folks who have pistols and ammunition strapped to their waists. This is how I have avoided adding to the statistics of black South African men who have died from bullet wounds. It’s also how I have maintained the number of my bodily orifices to the original nine I arrived with, in 1972. Second, I considered it my civic duty to allow this great man to go back to stopping random people and asking them for their papers in the inner city. Third, I looked at his heavy boots and knew instinctively that I would not want to be on my feet too long wearing those shoes, let alone running after a smartphone thief.
While we’re at it, let’s dispel the vicious rumour the police are rude, angry and lack empathy
If I ever join the SAPS, my first act will be to send minister Mchunu a WhatsApp text asking if it’s OK to wear my soft Nikes with my uniform. Look, I’m acutely aware of the fine balance between podiatric comfort, nimble-footedness in criminal pursuit and the need to have weapons on your feet to kick protesting Fees Must Fall students. Also, a seven-plague Egyptian curse upon the inconsiderate double-chinned technocrat who insisted on that dull, blue, thick, aerodynamically-poor polyester uniform. The private armies in the 'burbs have much better ones. I’ve detected signs of uniform envy whenever our police and private security personnel descend upon a common scene.
You’d have to be a fundamentally heartless individual to not be empathetic to our gals and fellows in dull blue. I know I couldn’t do that job. I would also be reluctant to raid a Troyeville house that the community insists is a meth lab — what if the occupants have bigger guns than mine? I’d be far more enthusiastic about traffic stops near Montecasino, looking for drunks; breaking up student parties at TUT residences; upending poor black women’s fruit carts at Warwick Junction; and closing down illegal taverns in Atteridgeville, leaving with all the stock for evidence.
While we’re at it, let’s dispel the vicious rumour the police are rude, angry and lack empathy. SAPS members spend a 12-hour shift dealing with South Africans at their worst. I have members of my extended family — and ex-schoolmates — who are police officers; they all possess the driest, darkest and sharpest sense of humour outside of my vicious comedian circle of friends.
Think about what the average police officer witnesses on the job. Dealing with all the ugliness that comes with murders, assault, gender-based violence, fraud, muggings, house break-ins and child abuse, I would hope they are equipped with an advanced sense of humour. A friend of mine from Inchanga is a police captain and has a colleague dubbed Sidumbu (Corpse.) The reason? While carrying a corpse found in a field at KwaXimba near Cato Ridge, his partner tripped on a boulder and they all tumbled into a ditch. He landed at the bottom, with Sidumbu lying face up with the corpse in missionary position on top of him. This is not a laughing matter, but one that requires maturity and a sharp sense of humour.
And that is why I love the police. And you should too.
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