Nothing makes dating harder than religion, though not in the way you think. Back when worship was more competitive than your average F1 season and gods had pantheons, it was generally understood that our divinities were pretty busy. They had giant “world snakes” to kill (Jörmungandr in Norse mythology), oceans to belch forth and cosmic eland to chase across the sky. So, if you wanted a word with them, you needed bribes, enticements and in some cases, seductions.
Even then, you could easily be forsaken if your tender offer wasn't alluring enough. The Abrahamic religions are a little different. Smart and bearded clerics in varying robes will disagree, but one gets the sense that the deities of the big three monotheistic religions are a little obsessed with us. I suppose there's only one of them, so there are fewer distractions from all that prayer answering.
Like an only child who's doted on obsessively by their parents, its made us all a little bratty and that is what makes dating hard. We think it’s all about us. About our needs, our standards and the lives we want to build. And when we don’t get what we want it's time to throw our sex toys out the cot.
Incoming disclaimer. We’re not talking about the dangerous part of dating. This has nothing to do with murderers, stalkers, abusers and psychopaths. No, I’m talking about garden variety dating. The kind that tends to include tension around who pays for the first date, questionable hygiene and staring blankly into someone’s eyes as they yap about something or other.
Ever since “special needs Hannibal Lecter” stopped being an accurate descriptor for most online daters, places like Tinder have turned dating into job interviews for sex. It all starts with a smarmy CV. Depending on your audience it should include: a picture with a dog, a quippy comment that doesn’t look like it took six hours to come up with, evidence of sexiness, a travel pic, proof that you are fun but not an alcoholic, and a list of hobbies. Oh, and if you’re a lady, it should sternly shoo anyone looking for casual sex despite the fact that that's exactly what you are looking for.
The advent of all these balloon-popping shows has only made things worse. When on Earth did dating become about trying to date an Olympian who, coincidentally, loves all the same things as you do, has a therapist, makes monthly trips to Mykonos because they love the food there and has never had a bowel movement? Before dating involved rummaging through all these digital CVs, you used to have to get to know people and that meant developing a personality.
Dating isn’t terrible, we are! We’ve turned it into a lifeless facsimile of romance filled with swipes, checklists and popped balloons.
It should be said that becoming more than a blank slate that spits out TikTok opinions is a tricky business. It’s time-sensitive and in a microwaved world that’s a red flag. If you meet someone as a third-year BA student, you may catch an earful of whatever flavour of ice cream Neoclassicism happens to be that week. Catch the same BA student as a budding marketing manager and your conversations will be very different. Either way, there was a time where becoming dateable meant that BA students had to go out into the world and try on hats that made them interesting. I think therapists these days call that personal growth.
Next, back before we were eternally tethered to a phone, getting to speak to someone you were courting was a joy and required effort. You had to memorise a landline number and pray a parent didn’t pick up the phone. You had to whisper sweet nothings to a table in the middle of the house. Chances are you would only get the opportunity to do that once a day if you were lucky. That meant when you did, you had so many things to chat about. Your charm offensive hadn’t been diluted by a thousand quick check ins. Now we labour under the illusion that we all need to be in near-constant contact. It’s filled dating with a whole bunch of aimless “what are you up to?” texts that no one enjoys. Imagine if dating had a little more breathing space. Time to miss each other, and get lost in the minutiae of plotting how 100 bare-handed men could kill a gorilla sans scrolling through everyone’s answer first.
Dating isn’t terrible, we are! We’ve turned it into a lifeless facsimile of romance filled with swipes, checklists and popped balloons. And that's a pity because when it is done right, dating is glorious. The whole fun of entanglements in the analogue era was the Forrest Gump of it all. Wooing was like a box of chocolates. Sometimes it went bad and you had a story to tell, other times, it went well without the stars aligning but you met someone cool. Then, occasionally, you found someone that turned your heart into a smoothie and your loins into a furnace. You weren’t that bothered about height, shape or the fact that they had a gold tooth, you just wanted to mount them like a rodeo cowboy and ride into the sunset. That’s what dating could be. We should make that kind of thing great again.
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