Most relationships, whether with the person you live with, your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, will have struggled in some way since March 2020 when the first lockdown began. We've all had to take a few deep breaths every day, perhaps a few times a day — and sometimes we have to just clench our teeth and keep our thoughts to ourselves.
Suddenly you notice that the person you've been living with for years, and who you thought you knew well, chews with their mouth open. They might make strange noises you've never noticed before or leave their shoes lying around the house. You might get annoyed by the way they put down their knife and fork on the plate. Perhaps they don't help unload the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Sometimes they just blink and that irritates you. And so it can go on and on.
The Zoom chats, webinars, quizzes or Google photo albums we created in the first few months of lockdown all seem like something of the past.
I have had someone say to me: "The lockdown has made it crushingly obvious how few friends I have, and I feel depressed and lonely. It feels as if everyone else is having Zoom parties, quizzes and virtual meet-ups, while I'm sending the odd message and going to bed early after spending the day talking to no-one except my partner and one-year-old. In normal life, interactions with colleagues and other mothers helped disguise the fact I don't foster close relationships."
LESS BLAME
Being stuck in one place with your family forces you to take a hard look at who you're shacked up with, but let's not forget that the list includes you. The possibility here is that too much exposure to each other has begun to take a toll on tolerance levels.
Most modern relationships aren't built on 24-hour proximity to one another, and few are improved by it. The easiest thing in the world is to blame the person next to you — and it doesn't require a global pandemic to acquire that bad habit.
A TWO-WAY STREET
Yes, your partner may have some things that he or she can work on. But that doesn't mean you are completely blameless when it comes to your relationship problems.
Most modern relationships aren't built on 24-hour proximity to one another, and few are improved by it
So your husband left his socks or underwear on the floor and didn't put them in the laundry basket. Are you going to shout at him and berate him? Alternatively, are you going to have a proper adult discussion about what you expect from him? By adopting the latter approach you'll be able to understand what each of you expects from the other and your relationship.
TALK IT THROUGH
If your partner has done something that has annoyed or upset you, speak up. Tell them what the issue is, how it made you feel and offer a solution to avoid it in the future. Allow him or her to do the same with you. And remember to have mutual respect for each other during such a process. If you do these things, you'll be able to deal with small disagreements before they become serious issues.
Don't brush things under the carpet. They will fester.
If, for instance, you can't stand the dirty dishes being piled up in the sink, tell the guilty party what you expect from them. Both of you know they're not going to disappear by magic. You could say that you don't mind occasionally washing his or her dirty plates, but not every day. Perhaps you could set up a schedule to share the chores.
I believe couples go through harmony, disharmony and repair. This is a dance that we do, no matter what.
MAKE UP
However hard it may or may not have been for you during the past year, Valentine's Day is probably as good a day as any to make up and make amends if you've got it wrong or been unkind to those you love and care about.
And it doesn't have to be by giving a bunch of roses or chocolates. One young woman I know said she was arranging to get a copy of how the stars were aligned the night she met her boyfriend and having that image printed on a T-shirt.
Now there's some originality to think about.
• Michael Kallenbach is a couples counsellor and relationship therapist. For more information, visit his website.
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