My travels have been underwhelming since Covid began. My busiest route was lounge, kitchen, lounge, bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. This route is now being picked up by Safair as their latest domestic route.
If I could have spent hard lockdown anywhere in the world, I would have picked Zanzibar. It’s got bad Wi-Fi and it’s where the shortest battle was ever fought. [The Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896 is generally considered to be the shortest war in history, lasting for a grand total of 38 minutes.]
When restrictions lifted, the first place I went to was Paternoster, for a show at a wonderful new venue called Die Koelkamers.
What I remember most about my childhood holidays is screaming and shouting in the back of the car, a great big Valiant Rebel, when we all sat on the back seat and as my father went around a corner you could hear all our heads bashing together. I have four brothers.
My first trip abroad was on a terrible mail ship, the Pendennis Castle, to Southampton, England. I am still in trauma counselling to this day.
A bizarre travel experience I had was in India — I was constantly mobbed. They thought I was Bollywood matinee idol Abdul Ambiam Rangkashulkarra.
My favourite city in SA is Gqeberha. Nobody knows where it is. I also love my hometown, Johannesburg, because anything goes — literally. It’s like hell with air-conditioning and it has the greatest climate. I wouldn’t change it for the world. If I was showing a tourist around, I’d show them some multimillionaires’ homes, the zoo, Wemmer Pan (if it hasn’t exploded yet) and the Rosebank flea market.
In Morocco, I ate an albino rat, which they only told me about afterwards. I was paid a lot of money and would do it again. It tasted like a soft-boiled flip-flop.
When I fly, I always take earplugs, a crossword, peanut-butter sandwiches and a cling-wrapped watermelon. At 35,000ft it inflates to twice its size.
My ultimate bucket-list destination is Mars. I know Elon Musk’s mother well. She’s putting in a word with her son. I also wouldn’t mind the moon, but I hear it’s got no atmosphere.
My best place in the world for a night out is Norway, because sometimes in winter, the night is three months.
The best night’s sleep I have ever had on my travels was at Knightsbridge infirmary. My appendix had burst in Harrods.
The one thing I always make sure I do on holiday is tell no-one that I am on holiday.
When travelling, I am a sucker for muggers. I was mugged twice by the same mugger in New York. We’re friends on Facebook now.
If a foreigner asked me to recommend the place in SA they cannot miss, I’d say Augrabies Falls. And a hidden gem? I’d say Sterns.
The best lesson travel has taught me is not to eat anything bigger than myself.
Mauritius has the world’s most welcoming locals. I thought I had arrived home. North Korea, on the other hand, was particularly tricky.
My most epic solo travel experience was Mount Everest. I climbed it secretly in 2004 with some Sherpas who were on the run. We had been training at Sherper Image.
My worst travel experience was being attacked by hammerhead sharks in a hardware store in Botechabelo, shooting a film that was never released, and was impounded by the Sharks Board.
My best piece of travel advice is to never tease the tigers before lunch.
• Banks’ s new stand-up show Mask About Face is on at the Theatre on the Square in Sandton until March 13. He’ll be at Backstage@226 in Durban on March 16-17.
