According to my lovely wife, it was an earthquake. And no, she was not referring to the 4.4-magnitude event that rattled Boksburg, but to my snoring. My involuntary nocturnal noises were causing her so much discomfort she could not get a good night’s sleep. Enter the marriage-saving South Coast of KwaZulu-Natal (KZN).
Instead of the same old Durban and Ballito vibes, I headed for what you might call “a hidden gem”. It is about two hours from King Shaka International Airport, during which time you can slowly take in the region's natural beauty, thanks to vast open stretches of picturesque land. This offers calming that is apparently great for a stiff uvula, which is what causes snoring in some other halves.
Once on the South Coast, it soon becomes apparent why it is fondly referred to as the Hibiscus Coast. These colourful plants in pinks, whites, purples and yellows show off their splendour every chance they get, instantly lifting the heaviest of moods.
Compared with the more commercial Durban central and botoxed North Coast, there is a distinct change of pace in this part of the world. The friendly residents are the type to stop and smell the hibiscus, and hospitality staff all understand great service, acknowledging their economy depends on happy tourists. This includes some of the most pleasant sangomas, who were more than willing to recommend cures spun from old wives’ tales for my problem.
DOMMIT THE DOCILE DOCTOR
One of the Zulu traditional healers suggested I consult Dommit at Selsdon Park Estate during a ride on Trafalgar Beach. It turned out this was a referral to a specialist, one who has four legs, a tail that resembles a friend’s hairstyle and is gentle on your nether regions.
Dommit, with Pluto, Tasha, Goldie, Calypso, Apollo and a few other horses, are famous in the seaside village of Trafalgar and are frequently seen trotting along the beach. I soon learnt I was assigned Dommit as he is docile, only once bridging the gap between his hypnotic walk and a caressing trot.
In the four hours it took for our tour group to take in the tranquillity of the Blue Flag beach on horseback, we saw other slackers visibly loving their picnics, sunbathing, fishing, kitesurfing and swimming.
Day drinking at the tidal pool is also a much-loved activity, as frolickers declare it 5pm “somewhere in the world”. Somewhere else in the world, a man is preparing to sleep and his partner is bracing for impact as air is about to flow past the soft tissue in his mouth, causing the wrong type of vibrations.
Luckily for all involved, the subtropical South Coast offers a number of delights for those on a mission to take it easy, including the Lake Eland Game Reserve in Port Shepstone, which has diverse ecosystems of bushveld, grassland, coastal forest, wetland and game on 2,500ha.
Whether you choose a self-drive or guided tour, you are sure to spot most of the wildlife, including giraffes, zebras and elands. The flora is just as spectacular, the area boasting more than 500 species of plants and fauna such as the blue duiker and, for the very lucky, leopards and caracals.
I almost requested a follow-up session when a staff member mentioned they also have the rare samango monkey, which sounded like “sangoma” monkey to me.
REPEAT PRESCRIPTION: SHOTS OF ADRENALINE
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Some say snoring can easily be cured by sewing a tennis ball onto the offender’s pyjamas, as this stops them from sleeping on their back. Some suggest gargling with garlic. Husband-loathing individuals say duct-taping the snorer’s mouth works effectively.
In a grand gesture to my wife back home, who had coincidentally been having her best sleep in 16 years, I decided to investigate another claim that a rush of adrenaline can delay snoring for a week.
The Wild Gorge Swing in Oribi Gorge, with a jump from the top of Lehr’s Waterfall, is the ultimate rush. It is the highest swing of its type in the world. Unlike a bungee, where only the jumper's ankles are strapped, this swing involves being strapped into a full-body harness. While my assistant was ensuring I was 110% secured, I told him of my domestic dilemma.
Obviously he has years of experience as a counsellor, having convinced thousands of visitors to hurl themselves off a 165m freezing waterfall into the abyss. Plus, he has not lost a single patient.
He suggested the sheer adrenaline released on the jump might scare the snoring out of me. The only way to test his theory was to call my family and tell them how much I loved them ... then jump.
To my surprise, not a single sound came out of my mouth as I was fully immersed in the grandeur that is the Umzimkulu River, upside-down. Surely I was cured? I was, after all, the most silent jumper of the day, which must be possible to magically transfer to one's sleeping patterns. I did have to blame the waterfall for my wet pants though.
Nothing dries your nether regions like a whirlwind quad-bike ride in unspoilt nature. Guides were on hand to ensure things didn’t get out of hand, as I was still operating on abnormally high levels of adrenaline. As my hormones normalised, I felt like I was an extra in Thabo Mbeki’s “I am an African” speech.
He must have been in one of the self-catering units in the area, responsibly smoking his pipe outside, when he was inspired to pen, “I owe my being to the hills and the valleys, the mountains and the glades, the rivers, the deserts, the trees, the flowers, the seas and the ever-changing seasons that define the face of our native land”.
COMPOUND INTEREST
Hibberdene is a coastal dorpie about 20km northeast of Port Shepstone and 90km southwest of Durban. It was named after C Maxwell-Hibberd, the former postmaster-general of Natal. Something tells me that one day the sleepy town’s wives will rise up and demand it to be renamed Silele, isiZulu for “we get to sleep”.
Margaret, one of the book-club wives, let it slip that a local business, Offshore Adventures, has successfully used the adrenaline cure on 33% of Hibberdene’s snoring culprits, using a technique called Ocean Safari.
I inquired if this excursion would interfere with my previous and successful procedure at the Gorge Swing and was told it was like compound interest: the effect of both would last for a month. Wifey would be happy with my next selfless act.
I proceeded to have an action-packed eco-adventure around Hibberdene and Margate’s coastlines aboard a rigid-hulled inflatable speed boat. Exploring birdlife and looking out for dolphins is way more fun when you are hurtling on bouncy waves at 50 knots (93km/h). More importantly, the choppy sea conditions catapult you into the air, multiplying snore-curing adrenaline levels in the body.
The skipper shared his knowledge of the warm Indian Ocean, as well as fun facts about sea orchids, triggerfish and the world-famous sardine run. This is the Zulu Kingdom's annual winter wonder that takes place from May to July. Billions of sardines spawn in the cool waters of the Agulhas Bank and move northward along the east coast of South Africa, creating a feeding frenzy along the coastline and a fantastic display for onlookers. It has not been recorded how many male sardines snore on their coastal trek.
DID THE DIAGNOSIS MATCH THE PROGNOSIS?
At the end of each day’s expeditions in search of old wives’ remedies and traditional healers’ muti for my ailment, it became evident to me that I was most definitely cured. I spent an entire weekend at the luxurious San Lameer estate and not a single soul complained about any involuntary sounds emanating from my body. And yes, I was in a single room, but that is irrelevant.
What is relevant is that even the patrons at Senzi’s on Faya, a popular upmarket shisanyama in Margate, agreed with me that the South Coast is where people come for life-changing revelations. After consulting a number of hospitality professionals on the Hibiscus Coast, mine was this: I'd never asked my lady for irrefutable proof that I snored.
PLAN YOUR TRIP
WHERE TO STAY:
San Lameer offers various types of accommodation, ranging from a bachelor studio (R1,075 per night, low season) to a five-bedroom villa (R6,725 per night, low season). There is also a hotel with a spa, an 18-hole championship golf course and direct access to two Blue Flag beaches. Mountain biking, table tennis, squash, fishing and other activities can also be arranged. See sanlameer.co.za.
ACTIVITIES:
Beach horse rides: See selsdonpark.co.za. R800 per person.
The gorge swing and quad biking are both with wild5adventures.co.za. R795 per person for the swing, R450 per person for quad biking. If you're not up for jumping, you can still access the suspension bridge and viewpoints of the gorge for R30.
Ocean safari: See offshore-adventures.com. R450 per person
• Sbu Mkwanazi was hosted by Tourism KwaZulu-Natal. For more information on the South Coast of KZN, visit zulu.org.za.
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