No boy is born an abuser

As 16 Days of Activism kicks off, one small organisation is making a big difference with its unique approach to gender-based violence.

Father A Nation was established by activist Craig Wilkinson, 59, to approach the issue as one that needs to be addressed by men.

It works from the basic ethos that “no boy is born an abuser”.

“I was a single dad for many years and I wrote a book on fatherhood, which explored the damage that could result when there is no father figure around for a child — particularly boys,” Wilkinson told the Sunday Times. 

In 2010 he began exploring the issue further and developed programmes to restore men to their positions as fathers in communities where there were few. He was weary of hearing lots of talk about GBV, but seeing little action to prevent it. 

“I was tired of hearing the same old stuff — how one out of three women are victimised, how we are a troubled nation. Nothing seemed to help and it felt like nothing was actually happening. We had heard it all before and nothing was changing.”

By 2013 he was ready to establish Father a Nation, a nonprofit with 18 full-time male employees that has its head office in Gauteng. It offers projects and workshops in all provinces.

“We look at why a male would want to use their strength and dominance to hurt and abuse others. And so we go out to talk to them about this — in schools, while they are drinking in taverns, at soccer clubs and in the workplace,” Wilkinson said. 

“We address the gaps — the idea of positive masculinity and teaching boys what that actually means. We started ‘bands of brothers’ dialogues, which we piloted in Alexandra in 2019.  Men generally don’t talk. They are four times more prone to suicide than women, and are generally more violent and dangerous,” he said. 

The NPO developed a model to counter the stereotypical idea that masculinity is about “sex, power, money and ‘big boys don’t cry’”, instead framing masculinity as being a good father, a faithful husband and provider, and a better communicator. 

“We started weekend getaways where we take 100 men on a high energy camp to talk about what they do with their power and how to channel it, and they have been life changing for so many,” Wilkinson said.

The organisation conducts research and has an impressive list of success stories and anecdotes. 

One of Wilkinson's happiest stories is that of self-confessed wife-beater Rathabeng Mamabolo, 70, who is now the organisation’s oldest mentor and trainer, actively involved in combating GBV. 

Mamabolo grew up in Mamelodi, raised primarily by his maternal grandmother. He was an angry boy and was expelled from two schools for bullying.

“I never knew who my father was, and I used to feel like my mother and my brother and sister all knew and that I was not really a part of the family,” he said.

“I always had this deep anger in me. I had fathered two children before I finished matric and I am not proud of that. I have been married three times, and after qualifying as a teacher I moved from school to school. I just had this restlessness and I couldn’t settle anywhere.”

In 2019 Mamabolo attended one of the camps in Limpopo where “my eyes were opened and my life turned 180 degrees”. 

He began anti-GBV advocacy in his community, focusing on talking to men, and teamed up with Wilkinson.

Mamabolo says his biggest supporter is his first wife, whom he abused, but who now welcomes the change that has come over him.

“Men feel relief when they are given an ear,” he said. “Not just the man in the shack, but the guy at the tavern and the manager in government. That is what I am busy with now. I feel a lot of forgiveness has happened and now is my payback time. I am doing this out of love.”