Gone are the days when, to win an election, all you had to do was flash a few smiles, wave and kiss random babies. Now, a politician has to campaign in tune with the Africanised times. Hence with every other by-election — especially when it’s in KwaZulu-Natal — a beast has to be slaughtered. No, not to appease the ancestors, but to win over the carnivores among voters.
This week it was the turn of a poor bovine in Mpofana — which includes Mooi River — to be sacrificed at the altar of elections. Residents of the town’s ward 4 had a feast just hours before voting, all thanks to the KwaZulu-Natal Midlands leadership of the MK Party. The party’s leaders proudly posted pictures of the beast on social media, convinced its meat had won them the ward. But when the results were announced a day later, it turned out the locals had eaten the MK Party meat with great joy — and then voted, overwhelmingly, for an ANC candidate.
Game, Seta and match
With local government elections about a year away, political parties now claim any perceived victory, even when they have little or nothing to do with it. This week, political parties were falling over themselves to claim credit for exposing an ANC scam to appoint controversial cadres — including the son of national party chair Gwede Mantashe, Buyambo — as chairs of the ineffective but lucrative Seta boards.
While the DA first exposed the list, it is the MK Party and EFF who are fighting over who forced the higher education ministry to withdraw the diabolical appointments. At this rate, Hogarth is surprised none of these parties has claimed credit for Kaizer Chiefs finally winning a soccer tournament after 10 years of trying.
Scoring an own goal before kickoff
Speaking of Kaizer Chiefs and the Nedbank Cup final, Hogarth was surprised to see, on TV, the mayor of Msunduzi municipality sitting in one of the VIP suites at the stadium.
A few days before the game, Mzimkulu Thebolla’s municipality promised to organise a fan park for local residents because tickets were sold out. But hours before kickoff the city announced these plans had been cancelled. So while many residents were left stranded, the mayor was on his way to Durban, where he rubbed shoulders with the elite of South African football.
Sangomas and two-tone shirts
Spare a thought for President Cyril Ramaphosa. A year that began well is turning out to be a headache, with his most famous would-be G20 guest of honour, Donald Trump, expressing reluctance to accept an invitation to attend — on the unfounded grounds our government is undermining the Afrikaans language by insisting on calling vetkoek amagwinya. As well as for passing national health insurance legislation that will make it compulsory for white Afrikaners to consult sangomas. And making it legal for the government to confiscate, without compensation, the Kalahari two-tone shirts loved by farmers.
Now, instead of preparing to play host to world leaders, McBuffalo has to fly all the way to Washington to explain himself and the country to the Orange One.
What to gift a man who has a plane?
But then again, maybe McBuffalo will find the Orange One in a good mood, what with the trip coming just days after Trump received a multimillion-dollar aircraft as a gift from Qatar. What can our Cupcake offer the Orange One to ensure his mood continues to improve and he looks favourably on us? A herd of Ankole cattle may look impressive with those long horns as they step off a plane, but will they impress Trump as much as the Qatari luxury jet did?
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