Pity these elections aren’t about choosing a new sheriff, for Hogarth’s vote would have gone to Lt-Gen Nhlanhla Mkhwanazi. The KwaZulu-Natal police chief has earned a no-nonsense reputation that was greatly enhanced on Friday when he single-handedly forced taxi bosses to end their drivers’ illegal blockade of the N3 and two busy arteries, Argyle and Umgeni roads.
Taxi owners in the Banana City had apparently ordered the move to protest against being “overly penalised” for traffic offences. When cops tried to persuade drivers to move their vehicles, the drivers told them to speak to the bosses.
And so Mkhwanazi confronted a group of taxi bosses, telling them he was not happy that when his officers gave instructions for taxis to be moved, the drivers reacted aggressively.
“You cannot break the law, then when police do their work, you fight them. Which means, if you fight the police, it is clear that that is war. Let’s fight then, but we do not intend going to war with you,” he said, looking the bosses straight in the eye.
“Hhayi asilwi — No, we are not fighting,” their ringleader responded sheepishly, while the others nodded in agreement. In no time, the minibuses had cleared the streets and Durban traffic was back to normal.
Psst, Mr President, with Mkhwanazi around, do you really need the hat that masquerades as police minister?
Does the IEC allow ghosts?
Staying with developments in KwaZulu-Natal, it has come to Hogarth’s attention that the IFP isn’t the only party that has resorted to adorning its posters with the portrait of a founder now gently decomposing six feet deep out of fear that voters may not recognise any of its current, living leaders.
It turns out that the National Freedom Party, which broke away from the IFP more than a decade ago, also has no confidence in any of its current leaders as vote-winners. So it has dusted off a picture of its founder, the late Zanele kaMagwaza-Msibi, who died three years ago. With that line-up on election posters, who can blame Hogarth for saying that in KwaZulu-Natal, the 2024 election is a battle of two ancestors and a former president whose sell-by date has long passed?
Now it’s a satanist cult
As per ANC tradition every last Friday before an election, ruling party bosses had a great time wining and dining with funders two nights ago in Johannesburg. At the dinner, business, sports, television and religious personalities endorsed the party — hence boosting its battered image just days before South Africans go to the polls.
As the evening wore on, President Cyril Ramaphosa was all smiles as speaker after speaker told the audience that they would vote for the party. But when he finally took the podium to deliver the keynote speech, McBuffalo confessed it did not sit well with him that some of the previous speakers had framed their commitment to the ANC as a case of “better the devil you know”.
His gripe was not so much their grudging choice of his party, but that they regarded it as Beelzebub.
Stalingrad rules
While McBuffalo was trying to convince voters to help the ANC retain a parliamentary majority, his predecessor — the Great Nkandla Crooner — thought the best path back to the Union Buildings was through the BBC. Yes, the latter-day radical who has been railing against South Africa’s “Western constitution” and its alleged influence by “Roman-Dutch law”, chose the British broadcaster to spread his message to the voters.
How colonial! In his interview with the broadcaster, the father of radical economic transformation intimated that he was aggrieved by the Constitutional Court ruling that he was not eligible for parliament due to having been sentenced to 15 months in jail for contempt of court. Asked if he thought the court had misinterpreted the constitution when it ruled against him, Jacob Zuma responded enthusiastically: “Absolutely! That’s what I’m saying.”
Old Hog’s knowledge of the law and the constitution borders on dangerous, but given a choice between the learned judges and a guy who, by his own admission, hardly set foot in a classroom, Hogarth chooses to believe the justices.
As far as we can throw him
Asked why he believed he could still be president even though he was unceremoniously removed from office in 2018 following a series of personal and political scandals, most involving allegations of corruption, Baba kaDuduzane told the BBC that “people of this country trust me”.
The response made Hogarth think that the last person who showed trust in Zuma, one Jabulani Khumalo, ousted founder of the MK Party, might have a different view.
In a parallel universe
Speaking of Khumalo. Hogarth thinks it is time the man threw in the towel and accepted that he is no longer the leader of the MK Party. Seeing him roaming the Electoral Commission’s results centre this week, trying to behave like the leader of an important party, was sad.
“I’m here because I’m the leader of MK. No, it is not a futile exercise, how can it be?” he said to journalists. When they reminded him that Zuma had expelled him, he said: “Who says I’m expelled? Who decides that I’m expelled? You can’t expel me from my own organisation, it’s impossible.”
To which Hogarth wanted to ask: ever heard of Makhosi Khoza and Mamphela Ramphele?
Cue the SABC violins
It would not be a South African election without Hlaudi Motsoeneng, the former SABC makhulu baas who was axed for not having the requisite qualifications to be CEO, entering the race for the ultimate job, the South African presidency.
His campaign, as was the case in 2019, is not going well. In fact it has been so dire for him and his African Content Movement that he has now taken to actually begging for votes: “People of South Africa, I am asking you to vote for [ACM]. I want your lives to change so South Africa can be prosperous, for a South Africa that has a future for our children… I am pleading with you, my people… There is no other party that will bring change to this country. Please vote for the ACM.”
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