A Kolisi government?

The language police on social media are having a hard time helping users understand the difference between “coalition”, “collision” and “collusion”. Hogarth has heard of cases where some have said it will be “good for the markets” if the ANC is in “collision” with the DA, while others advocate the ruling party’s “collusion” with the EFF and the MK Party. But one of Hogarth’s colleagues says that, at least in his neck of the woods, the confusion caused by all the talk about coalitions has been far worse. He says his mates were most disappointed to learn this week that a koalisie government is not the same as a Kolisi one, and that Siya won’t be taking over the Union Buildings any time soon.

McBuffalo confident of GNU dawn

Though close to 60% of those who turned up at polling stations last week voted against the ANC retaining power, it seems McBuffalo is going to be hanging around the Union Buildings for a while yet. So confident is he that the horse-trading between parties will return him to power that his office has apparently already confirmed he’ll be joining other world leaders for the G7 summit in Italy from June 13-15. Hogarth thinks the prez must thank his lucky stars the country’s opposition is so weak and divided, otherwise by now he’d be begging the incoming parliament to afford him time to bid his farewells around the world and “introduce” the next president to other heads of state — as his predecessor, the Nkandla Crooner, offered to do once his time was up in 2018.

Know your worth

If indeed Cupcake remains president, there is one headache he won’t have to deal with when he decides who to leave out of the new cabinet. After his first appearance in court on corruption charges, one Zizi Kodwa deemed himself no longer good enough to serve in cabinet and parliament. Hogarth has one question, though: does he get to keep his middle name, Goodenough?

Malema on horns of dilemma

It surprises Hogarth not a jot to hear the commander-in-chief of the Red Berets has changed his mind about the need for a government of national unity (GNU). A few months ago he was telling foreign media houses a GNU was exactly what the country needed, and now he suddenly thinks it’s a terrible notion. A legendary flip-flopper, he is. It is not for Hogarth to tell the EFF what to do, but his memory stretches back far enough to remember a certain black consciousness movement with the same potential as the EFF to win hearts and minds missing a moment to play a role in reshaping the country’s history by choosing to be purists who wouldn’t make compromises with others. Surely the CIC doesn’t want to see the EFF become another Azapo in the next five years?

Virtually the worst MKP negotiators

Meanwhile, the new kids on the politics block, the Nkandla Crooner’s MK Party, are showing signs of their seriousness about coalition negotiations and have abandoned all talk of “blue-ticking” everyone until their grievances have been resolved by the Electoral Commission. Hogarth knows Baba kaD&D put his party together in haste and didn’t have time to recruit the best minds to represent MKP’s interests in negotiations. But did he really have to choose Tom Moyane, the man infamously known for almost collapsing the South African Revenue Service, and Nathi Nhleko, of Nkandla “firepool” notoriety, as his chief negotiators? It could have been worse — he could have asked Atul and Ajay to conduct the negotiations virtually from wherever they now are abroad.

Bye-bye Bheki, hello Bhekokwakhe

This year’s election results also mean it is the end of an era for the country’s police service. This is because our fedora-wearing police minister has finally been forced by the electorate to retire. Asked how he felt about not making the cut for the next parliament, the response was classic Cele: “When I came out of my mother’s womb, I was not a cabinet minister ... It’s just me, Bhekokwakhe Cele. When I grew up, I never said I’d be a minister one day. What’s [wrong] with going back and just being Bhekokwakhe Cele, just being an ordinary South African and seeing other people doing work? Once there’s a start, there’s an end.” Hogarth isn’t sure what he’ll miss the most — the minister’s hats or his sulking.