Less vice, guys, more virtue
The new year is upon us and politicians will soon be back from the festive break, trying to convince South Africans that they didn’t waste their votes in May last year. As the political merry-go-round prepares to kick off once more, Hogarth has compiled some new year’s resolutions for your favourite politicians.
President Cyril Ramaphosa
So far the buffalo farmer has been able to keep all his government of national unity beasts in one kraal, despite numerous attempts within the ANC and beyond to stampede them into the wilderness. Now he needs to yoke them all together to plough the same furrow in the interest of all. The buffalo soldier is also hosting a big G20 jamboree in November, to which US president-elect Donald Trump will automatically be invited. So McBuffalo’s new year resolutions must include developing the kind of diplomatic wizardry needed to navigate both geopolitics and a temperamental cabinet.
Also on his to-do list should be to open a legal PayPal account for when foreigners want to buy animals from him; oh, and how about finally delivering those beasts that a Sudanese businessman paid a couch-full of dollars for?
Deputy President Paul Mashatile
Time to find meaningful tasks that actually keep him busy so he spends less time with shady characters like Edwin Sodi. He will also have to buy some charm if he wants to succeed McBuffalo as ANC president — but he must not use public funds to do so. Far be it from Hogarth to suggest there might be skeletons in his closet, but it might be prudent for him to have a good lawyer on call as the ANC national conference approaches.
DA leader John Steenhuisen
The minister of farmers should resolve to find better advisers — and evict Roman Cabanac from the desk next to his own. He must focus on his studies; Hogarth is willing to donate his copy of the Dummies Guide to Politics. Now that he has blue lights, it should be easy to get to campus. He and the party he leads must also be decisive on the GNU and stop throwing their toys out of the cot when things aren’t going their way. Are they in or out? He should develop a thick skin because being in public office means he’s going to be a regular feature in this column.
Jacob Zuma
The Nkandla Crooner must take a vow to stop marrying wives. It’s enough already. And isn’t the perpetual game of musical chairs at his MK Party getting very old? It’s also time for him to accept that for him, the ANC is in the past. A relationship with a political party is not like polygamy; you don’t get to add a new one while keeping its rival as your ngunaphakade or, as the cool kids say, “your forever yena”.
Julius Malema
Hogarth would have suggested anger management classes for the EFF leader, but then remembered that the ANC already tried that with their former youth league boss; the therapy failed miserably.
His priority, therefore, should be to find a new Floyd Shivambu from within the rapidly shrinking EFF ranks. Because he really needs a new chief ideologue, otherwise Red Beret media conferences risk turning into permanent siyahleba (gossip) sessions. Sooner or later, everybody loses interest in siyahleba.
Gayton McKenzie
The Patriotic Alliance leader and minister of spinning must resolve to stop getting so excited about all the power and exposure that being in the cabinet brings. One good thing about his new role though is that it seems to have distracted him from his misguided conviction that foreign nationals are to blame for all the country’s troubles.
Hogarth does hope that one of his resolutions for the year is to find the long-suffering soccer-loving public a new South African Football Association president.
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