A militia by any other name...

What do you call a group of professional soldiers who take off their official military gear, mingle with rebel forces from a neighbouring country, then illegally cross the border, cause havoc and steal precious minerals?

Well, a militia, of course.

Let's unleash our toy soldiers

He who should be obeyed in Kigali was not impressed when our real commander-in-chief, President Cyril Ramaphosa, called the Rwanda Defence Force what it is.

So now Paul Kagame is frothing at the mouth, taking to social media to issue empty threats against our peace-loving Springboks nation.

Many are demanding that McBuffalo respond in kind, but Hogarth would like to remind Mahlamba Ndlopfu of that saying about never wrestling with pigs...

Rather, let's unleash one or two of our toy-soldier politicians who go around calling themselves commanders, fighters, CICs — or come to parliament dressed in ridiculous Ugandan combat gear. They are good at playing computer keyboard warriors.

Side eyes Juju, Not-Jimmy and the entire Gwaza parliamentary caucus.

A GNU skirmish over Goma

Hogarth would have added a real soldier to the list, Gen Bantu Holomisa, who is now our deputy defence minister, even though his only known military triumph was to overthrow a weak Stella Sigcau Bantustan administration in Mthatha.

But the general clearly has a battle of his own at the ministry of defence.

This week he told journalists on the sidelines of the cabinet lekgotla that the South African troops deployed in Goma had sent an SOS saying they were running out of ammunition.

But then his boss, defence minister Angie Motshekga, contradicted him: “I personally went to Goma. I got a briefing from all the generals. At no stage did they say they have no ammunition. We reinforced on the basis that because there has been escalated hostilities ... that we don’t reach a stage where there is no [ammunition].”

Fighting war in the time of the GNU can really be confusing.

For MPs booze beats battles

The tragic developments in Goma couldn't stop our MPs from spending their time in parliament tackling matters that are more important to them. They have agreed to debate the Great Lakes crisis only next week, as this week they had to deal with an urgent matter — whether to accept donations of drinks and food for the upcoming state of the nation address.

Most MPs voiced their objections to the idea of having a company donate alcohol. EFF’s Hlengiwe Mkhaliphi said: “The EFF rejects MPs going drunk to work. What message are we sending to the public?”

MKP's Visvin Reddy seemed to agree with Mkhaliphi, offering this apt observation of the House of Chaos. “Sometimes I look at some of the MPs and think they are permanently under the influence of alcohol. In the eyes of the public, it would not look good at Sona. Maybe we use the donation in some other way,” he said.

'Bigot brain' envy in SA?

AfriForum, the FF+ and a not-so-retired former leader of a party Hogarth chooses not to name must be secretly wishing the Orange One was the president of South Africa.

Since taking power, Donald Trump has been fulfilling all the fantasies they have about South Africa.

Not only is he reversing pro-diversity legislation and policies, he blames all that goes wrong in his country on the previously disempowered.

When a jet collided with a helicopter, the US president was quick to blame the tragic incident on “diversity appointments”.

Asked how he could say that when investigations had not even begun, Trump said: “Because I have common sense, OK, and unfortunately a lot of people don't.”

In this case, a synonym for “common sense” must be “bigot brain”.