Every Saturday afternoon Beth Behrendt packs a suitcase and laptop into the boot of her car and drives to a flat 10 minutes away. On Wednesday mornings drives back, heading back to the family home — a routine she has repeated for more than nine years.
“In the early days I would often forget my toiletry bag, or worse, my laptop, and need to make the return trip after getting the kids to school,” she says.
The children of divorced or separated parents know how it feels, scrambling to remember uniforms, soccer boots, ballet kit or phone chargers in the once-a-week or more hustle between houses.
But Behrendt is the parent, not the child. When she and her ex-husband were divorcing after 18 years, they let their children stay in the family home while they rotated in and out as the resident parent, an arrangement known as “birdnesting” — evoking the way birds fly in and out of the nest to nurture their chicks. In between, they lived in a rental flat.
“Initially, we rented it for a year, but we just kept doing it,” says Behrendt, originally from Fort Wayne in the US.
Nesting in South Africa
“Nesting is rare in South Africa but I have seen couples who did this and lasted a few months, a year, or more,” says Cape Town family mediator Margaret Fulton. “Nesting is good for the children who still have close contact with both parents and their physical home.”
Interviews with parents from families in the suburbs show that nesting can work. However, to succeed it demands extra commitment — underpinned by sound communication and finances, flexibility, a respect for boundaries and house rules.
Why nest?
Behrendt says: “Our main driving force was consistency for the kids while divorce was adding tumult to their lives. We wanted to make it easier for them.”
Nesting spared them the stress of moving between houses, keeping track of their stuff and changes in proximity to friends, school and sports. The spare room became Behrendt's bedroom and her ex stayed in their old bedroom. Nesting can save money, she says, since “setting up two households large enough for three children is expensive” unlike renting a small flat as the away base.
“We were never in the flat at the same time. When I walked in there, I was not in mother mode and I could focus on my career and, eventually, started dating.”
“Nesting has so many benefits that I wish more people would consider it, even if just for a year or a couple of years,” says Behrendt, the author of Nesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home.
What the children say
Nesting has so many benefits that I wish more people would consider it, even if just for a year or a couple of years
— Beth Behrendt, nesting parent and author of ‘Nesting After Divorce: Co-Parenting in the Family Home’
David’s* parents nested for nearly four years in East London — taking turns living for a year each in a cottage in their tropical garden — until he left school. Now 29, he says: “It was a success. My life continued as normal. They did a good job and had a most amicable divorce.”
In London, sisters aged nine and 15 say they and their brother are happy while their parents swap in and out. “It is less disruptive and we have everything in one place,” says the older one.
Their mother Sandy says: “They treat it like normal. I wanted to create a world where we would all feel safe.”
She and her husband separated when their children were three, nine and 11, and then nested in the family home for four-and-a-half years. “We bought a flat together and we flipped every Sunday night. To his credit he has really stepped up to run the family half the time,” she says of her ex, who used to live like a bachelor. “I felt then like I had no partner and three kids, and I was working full-time. It was hectic.”
For the past 18 months they have lived under the same roof, but that ended last week when Sandy bought a boat to live on, near the university where she works.
Demanding but ‘unexpectedly good’ outcomes
Kirsten and her husband in Cape Town recently nested for six months during a trial separation, renting a cramped flat nearby.
“It felt unfair at that point to move our kids. We wanted to keep their lives stable and it was easier for one of us to move,” she says. “One of the unexpectedly good outcomes was that Malcolm’s relationship with the children is far closer now that he has had to engage with them. He used to be peripherally involved but he has stepped up as a parent. It is much better all round, though it is not a perfect arrangement.”
For the past two months they have been back home, staying in separate rooms with their two teenagers.
Transitional rather than long-term?
Family lawyers in Joburg and Cape Town say they have not worked on “nesting” agreements for parents, and it is a new concept to them.
“When it comes to care and contact, there is no one-size-fits-all,” says Elmarie Erasmus, a family law specialist and director at Clarks Attorneys. “Some families absolutely could do this, though it is difficult [for ex-partners] to share an intimate space ... I can only see this as a temporary innovative solution. However, in my experience I cannot see it as a long-term solution.”
Clinical psychologist and mediator Ilse Robbertse says that nesting is seen as a child-centred approach.
I found the transitions difficult and moving in and out disruptive and upsetting. I’m a homebody and I missed the kids and being hands-on. I felt I was always playing catch-up
— Kirsten, a nesting parent
“I am sure there are families who could do this as an interim solution or more long-term, if parents believe it is in their child’s best interests. However, it is a complex and often expensive arrangement that must take the needs and capacity of the entire family into consideration,” she says.
Co-operative parenting takes many shapes
After their divorce, Roger and his ex-wife from Cape Town lived in the same block of flats, enabling their daughters, then three and five, to walk from one to another.
“There was no third party involved,” he says, of their civil divorce. “Living so close to each other was convenient. If Lisa wanted to pop out to the shops or to visit friends, I could be there.”
When the girls grew up, Lisa moved to a bigger house and, when she was travelling, he would move in to look after them. During the pandemic lockdown he lived with the family, who had moved to a bigger house, cooking and gardening with them. The family has gone on holiday together every December for the past 10 years, staying under one roof. “It just works,” says Roger.
Clear benefits, so what are the complications?
Fulton, a Family and Marriage Society of South Africa counsellor, who has her own practice, says: “The problem comes when couples are fighting about everything, even the parenting.”
Once parents have a co-operative relationship (not all do), the introduction of a new partner is often the next hurdle, which can destroy a cosy nest.
Take David’s parents, who remained friends after their divorce. Throughout their nesting period, they shared responsibilities and meals smoothly, but when Gill’s girlfriend moved in in a whirlwind, things fell apart.
Gill recalls: “It was working really well until then, but Sihle did not feel part of the family and, after about a month, said she was moving out.”
They moved out and Richard stayed at home with their daughter, picking up much of the domestic load. “We had enough space [while nesting] to conduct partially separate lives,” says Richard, who had a partner in Cape Town at that time.
Nesting takes effort
Nesting takes effort and can feel alienating.
Sandy says: “The Sunday turnaround takes me from about 4.30pm to 10pm. But if we did not do that, the kids would have to, which would disrupt three people, not one.”
The biggest challenge is the level of co-operation required, from the budget to chores, she says. She and her ex will continue nesting until 2025, they agreed in their divorce.
Most nesting plans include house rules such as leaving the home and kitchen clean, the larder stocked with basic groceries, the children’s laundry done and timely assistance with homework projects.
Kirsten says: “It has been an interesting challenge ... understanding each other’s triggers and learning to work around them. You have to be able to talk about them and put down firm requirements or [sharing the space] can lead to resentment.”
Malcolm found it intolerable when they overlapped in the family house during handovers, while she found it difficult to return to a chaotic house, she says.
“I found the transitions particularly difficult and moving in and out disruptive and upsetting. I’m a homebody and I missed the kids and being hands-on. I felt I was always playing catch-up,” says Kirsten, who moved back home two months ago, while they talk about the next step. “This is nesting on a different level.”
Nesting takes compromises, sometimes an emotional toll
If parents breach boundaries, nesting can take an emotional toll, as Cindy experienced over a decade. Her daughter was about 10 years old when she and her husband got a divorce, initiated by her.
“There was conflict before the divorce,” she says, and this antagonism cast a shadow over their daily life while nesting. Her ex-husband, who was unemployed, moved into a cottage just metres from the house, where he still lives, though their daughter is now a university graduate.
Cindy says of the most volatile time: “He was seething with negative emotion. He was angry and upset and wanted a target, and I was right there. He would see me walking to the car. He would knock on the kitchen window and not come to the front door. I felt like I had no privacy.”
Their daughter would visit her father in his cottage but sleep in her bedroom in the house. Birthdays and holidays, like Christmas, they spent together. “The first big turning point was when he met someone, and that was a relief,” Cindy says. “My daughter does not remember it being difficult ... but you can’t assume this arrangement does not affect the kids.”
There were bumps in the road. But we got better at it and fine-tuned it
— Beth Behrendt
What children, and parents, need
While commending nesting as innovative, Robbertse says it raises the risk of it creating a holding pattern for parents — stopping them from moving on with their lives and getting their adult needs met.
“Post-divorce parents need to be able to form new relationships, and children need to be part of that new life. When children have a stable, loving and containing relationship with their parents, their stability is invested in those relationships. What is most important to children is the consistency of contact with their parents and the quality of those relationships. They are a buffer for children moving into two separate homes.”
Of the nesters interviewed, most have forged new relationships.
Fine-tuning solutions
Behrendt is still nesting with her ex, who remarried in November. She says of his wife: “She is supportive of nesting and became part of the family. The kids and I feel comfortable with her.
“There were bumps in the road,” says Behrendt of their marathon experiment. “But we got better at it and fine-tuned it. Our oldest graduated last weekend, our youngest is 14 and we are better friends now than while we were married.”
Micros in numbers 2021:
Divorces: 18,208, up 13% from 2020
Marriages: 10,649
Source: www.divorcelaws.co.za
Actor Josh Lucas and his ex-wife Jessica Ciencin Henriquez reportedly co-parent their son in a bird-nesting arrangement, while actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her ex, rock star Chris Martin, are committed to co-parenting after deciding to “consciously uncouple”.
* The names of all parents and children have been changed to protect their privacy, except for Beth Behrendt.
Parental responsibilities and rights,
by Sasha Kadish, head of family law at Bregman Moodley Attorneys
Section 18 of the Children’s Act sets out four parental responsibilities and rights: guardianship, care, contact and maintenance. A parenting plan must make satisfactory provision for all four. The most common arrangement used to be that mothers almost automatically were granted primary residence. Family advocates, until recently, were against shared residency agreements as the idea of children living out of suitcases was not considered to be in their best interests. Such agreements, however, are becoming more common and accepted by the courts, but only in specific circumstances and if it is accepted that it would be in the child’s best interests, which is the standard to hold all parenting plans against.
“The children’s wellbeing comes first when I’m drafting a parenting plan. I have never drafted the same plan twice.”
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