Burnout parents, you are not alone

“What do you want in life?” clinical psychologist Hugo Theron asked a mother suffering from parental burnout. A happy and healthy child, she replied.

Theron said: “She can’t answer what she wants for herself. She is so mindful of her child’s needs and safety,” observing that parents are exhausted and struggling to cope in an era of intensive parenting and financial strain.

“I have a lot of patients in my office with burnout. They put pressure on themselves to be perfect parents, the mothers in particular,” said Theron, who has patients in private practice and has worked at state hospitals in the Western Cape.

Parental burnout, a destructive condition which threatens people’s health and relationships, is a rising trend and common across income and racial groups, a global survey and an African study show.

The US surgeon-general even issued a recent warning that parents are under pressure. “I have found guilt and shame have become pervasive, often leading them to hide their struggles, which perpetuates a vicious cycle where stress leads to guilt which leads to more stress,” Dr Vivek Murthy said.

The cultural shift towards intensive parenting, the loss of extended family networks and financial insecurity in an increasingly costly, competitive and changing world are stretching parents taut, and those with perfectionist and anxious traits are particularly vulnerable.

Burnout presents in different ways. Men tend to keep it in and are more likely to explode under pressure

—  Famsa Western Cape counselling manager, Pauline Servitz

Wits University clinical psychologist Anele Siswana sees many parents who feel trapped by their responsibilities and emotions of inadequacy and guilt that “hinder their ability to engage fully with their children”.

“Parents come to me experiencing burnout due to the overwhelming demands of work, parenting and household chores. While financial stress is a significant factor contributing to their exhaustion, emotional strain also plays a crucial role.”

The festive season, with its holiday expectations, can worsen the pressure, bringing a “wave of anxiety and stress, particularly for those who are struggling financially”, he said.

Family and Marriage Society of SA (Famsa) Western Cape counselling manager, Pauline Servitz, said burnout tends to be underestimated in men.

“Burnout presents in different ways. Men tend to keep it in and are more likely to explode under pressure,” she said.

One in 20 parents had parental burnout, the survey of 42 countries, led by Xiaohe Ren from Shandong University in China, found on the eve of the pandemic. The consequences of burnout, from anger and depression to child neglect and suicidal ideation, are severe and parents need help.

Think of burnout like money, said Judy Klipin, a master coach and author of Recover from Burnout. “With burnout we are going into energy overdraft, spending more energy than we have. If we are uberparents and we are not doing enough of the right things to refill our energy account, the burnout gets worse.”

Pearl*, 44, is a media star who has no time for herself: she works three jobs, seven days a week, because she is the breadwinner and wants to give her two young children every opportunity and be a conscious, loving parent. When she gets home after a high-octane, 12-hour day, they hurtle into her and she bends down to hug them and listen to their stories despite blinding fatigue.

“I feel like I’m doing a terrible job and when I speak to other parents they feel the same,” said Pearl, whose energy overdraft is flashing red. “Burnout is real. I do not ever have a time when my brain switches off.”

The pace of society and conflict between the demands of work and parenting exacerbate burnout, which is typically greater for women, said Jonathan Hoffenberg, programme manager at The Parent Centre in Wynberg.

“While SA is very diverse, sadly we are united by a patriarchal culture and single-parent homes are commonplace,” he said.

Myth of the ‘perfect parent’

“SA is the most unequal society, with joblessness, alcoholism and violence. This is a lethal cocktail and for some parenting is just survival. For others it is a wildly swinging pendulum,” said Vanessa Raphaely, who co-edited the book We Were Perfect Parents Until We Had Children, released this year.

Raphaely founded The Village, a Facebook group for parents raising tweens, teens and young adults with 61,000 members, and the book shares members’ experiences of parenting.

“The Village shows parents they are not alone and that there are 61,000 ways to raise a child,” she said.

The best parents can do is be at and on their children’s side, said Raphaely. “They just need someone who believes in them,” said the mother of four, whose family lost one child.

“Our job is not to equip our children to be the warrior, the Alpha. We need to equip them to survive and thrive, to have a plan C and plan D.”

The culture of parenting has shifted from the 1970s, when children grew up largely free range in the community or loosely in their parents’ orbit, to the 21st-century trend that the world revolves around kids and they need hands-on attention and stimulation.

Something has gone wrong and this is unique to our generation

—  Clinical psychologist Hugo Theron

The idea of the “good enough parent”, coined by British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicot in the 1960s, has been displaced in the past 20 to 30 years, said Theron.

Globally there has been a greater focus on parenting, marked by an explosion in parenting books, which has been “both positive and negative”, said Hoffenberg.

“Parents must not work the dough too much or they will get a flat pancake. They can step back and let it rise a bit.”

The parenting model has not kept up with the younger generations, who have grown up on social media. “Children are increasingly needy, and narcissistic,” he said.

Perfectionist parents are susceptible to social media too, comparing themselves with the posts of glossy families. Parents used to have respite in their own homes but now the ‘neighbourhood’ that is social media is invading the privacy of their homes,” said Theron.

Siswana said parents can feel anxious and pressurised to provide a better life for their children and online comparisons make this worse.

“Parents often find themselves caught between wanting to offer their children enriching experiences, such as after-school activities and tutoring, and the harsh realities of their daily lives,” he said.

Theron said a lot of burnout was driven by anxiety and self-doubt as uncertainty in the world ramps up. “Something has gone wrong and this is unique to our generation,” he said.

Perfectionists at high risk

High-flying lawyer Anna*, 44, is among those parents most vulnerable to burnout, a perfectionist who is juggling the needs of a young child and older teen at home while doing a job that requires her to travel elsewhere on the continent. Her husband also travels for work.

“I’m struggling to keep my head above water,” she said from a Kenyan hotel room, acknowledging that prioritising time for herself had sunk to the bottom of her to-do list.

“It is simply a question of time. I’m burning the candle at both ends and find it hard to switch off and sleep when there is so much happening. This is manifesting in my energy levels and I do not have stamina any more. I would struggle to run 10km for fun and I never lost the baby weight I gained. Emotionally I’m snappier and less patient,” said Anna, who says she manages not to yell at the kids despite being exhausted.

Women are supposed to work like they don’t have children and mother like they don’t work outside of home

—  Eve Rodsky

Finding it difficult to say no is something burnout parents struggle with, said Klipin, noting that perfectionists who do not take care of themselves are among the personality types more prone to suffer burnout, as are adults who like to keep control and those who had been overly responsible children.

“Those of us who were adult children struggle to ask for help or be honest that we are not managing,” she said.

Pearl finds it hard to hand over the children to their father, despite his devotion and involvement, since he’s a recovering addict and she needs to be in control. Driving this is the desire to improve on her own childhood with distant parents.

“I wake up thinking, ‘do not be like your parents’,” said this conscious and conscientious mother, whose children are securely attached to her. “If I do mess up, which I often do, I say sorry and repair and I listen to them.”

Nor does she turn to TV for a break, only allowing her children to watch 20 minutes of Bluey on weekends. But her commitment means she has almost no time to herself, besides working out 45 minutes a day at the gym.

“I have to fight off feeling guilty about that,” she said.

Parents need community, workplace support

The erosion and loss of the extended family, accelerated by urbanisation, is also taking a toll on parents globally. Yet research on parental burnout in Africa, which needs further exploration, found there was “no single African parenting subculture” but rather subcultures which were more or less demanding across Burundi, Cameroon, Rwanda and Togo.

Pearl said her support structure is virtually nonexistent because her extended family is far away. “I lack a village because my dad and siblings do not live here and my friends do not have the same obligation,” she said.

Most companies do not offer onsite childcare or transport that could assist parents. Working from home during the pandemic was a double-edged sword, reducing these stresses while amplifying others.

Intensive parenting is child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labour-intensive and financially expensive

—  Sociologist Sharon Hays

Hoffenberg said: “Covid had a massive knock-on effect on relationships and parenting and parents fell apart. Co-parenting became toxic and conflict-ridden and was the worst we have ever seen,” he said.

“If trauma is not properly dealt with, it repeats itself,” he said of SA’s high domestic violence.

But as a species, humans are becoming more reflective and tolerant, he said. (Despite the US election results.) For example, gay parents, single parents and adoptive parents are able to find better support than ever before, Hoffenberg said.

The Village community is typically “sweet to each other” in their engagements — about  1,750 posts every 28 days and 200,000 reactions — said Raphaely, and online support can turn into real-world support.

“We’ve had single parents in a neighbourhood find each other and share the load. Being online is not the same as a breathing, laughing circle of friends but The Village helps build a bridge to it,” she said.

As end-of-the-year syndrome ramps up, parents are going to need all the support they can get, experts suggested.

“Whoever you talk to is so tired. The world is stressful and pressures are huge, financially and in relationships,” said Sevitz, urging burnout parents to get help through organisations such as Famsa.

Siswana offers these tips:

• Seek support through counselling, hotlines and parenting workshop;
• Set respectful limits with children;
• Understand their developmental stages; Encourage unstructured play; and
• Prioritise self-care.

“Try to maintain your identity outside parenting. Engage in hobbies and friendships to recharge and model healthy behaviour for your children,” he said, recognising how hard this is while striving to make ends meet.

“Maintain your identity outside parenting. Engage in hobbies and friendships to recharge and model healthy behaviour for your children,” he said, recognising how hard this is while striving to make ends meet.

Fellow parenting experts, including Hoffenberg, echoed the mantra  ofself-care whenever possible. “Parenting is playing the long game and parents must take a deep breath. They need to embrace self-care. If you do not look after yourself, you are not able to care for your children.”

* Not their real names.

• For support call Lifeline SA on 0861322322; or visit famsawc.org; famsaeastrand.co.za; and childlinesa.org.za/parents