No idea what to do at a real Zulu wedding? No problem ...

I am invited to a Zulu wedding this coming weekend, and can’t wait to wear my African print apparel and marvel at the showcase of culture.

This will not be the modern “traditional wedding”, where everything proceeds like your typical white wedding, save for the couple being dressed in rainbow matching outfits and African-inspired décor in the marquee.

The wedding I’m attending is called udwendwe, and is held in the open air, at a time set by the local chief’s headman.

I thought I should share a few tips with the ladies who aren’t quite sure what to do when invited to such occasion.

Don’t arrive empty-handed.

Weddings are a community event, and it is courteous to arrive bearing gifts. These must be edible. Even a bag of potatoes will do. Or drinks. Or a basket of fruit.

In fact, it makes sense that the Zulu wedding guest list does not have a guest list. And because neighbours and friends are trusted to arrive with groceries as gifts, there’ll always be enough food for everyone.

Identify two key individuals, and befriend them as soon as you arrive.

The most important person there is the one holding the key to the mobile fridge. This is who you’ll come to when your host has disappeared into the crowd trying to please all the guests and has forgotten your request for another round of ciders and more dash.

Next is the young man being sent in and out of the room with the slaughtered cow. Ask him what he drinks or smokes and you’ll have the best cuts hot off the braai stand.

Pick a side.

This may be influenced by whether your invitation was from the bride or groom.

See, Zulu weddings are a music and dance contest, and numbers matter because when talent is scant, the bigger group can always dominate with utter chaos.

So, if you’re related to the groom, your dating pool will be in the crowd singing with the bride’s family

Personally, I think the segregation was put in place to minimise the chances of guests catching feelings for their relatives.

You know how weddings, like funerals, bring together long-lost cousins, and uncles last seen in the 1990s. So, if you’re related to the groom, your dating pool will be in the crowd singing with the bride’s family. Safe!

High heels are a bad idea.

The vows are exchanged in the veld, and your stiletto will only dig you six inches into the fertile Zululand soil. You won’t go wrong with sunscreen, though.

While you may be limited to kitten heels, or flat shoes, bear in mind that it is a fashion extravaganza nonetheless — and your dress better not be off a store rail. Thungisa! That is, get your outfit custom made and pray no-one else shows up in the same fabric print.

There is no VIP section.

Honestly, the worst thing you can do to yourself when attending a Zulu wedding is demanding VIP treatment and confining yourself to sanitised corners where everyone is frustrated because they can’t charge their iPhones. If you really want to enjoy the wedding and feast in the culture, find a seat next to the neighbours and locals, and pay attention to all the gossip.

There will be meat!

And you can bet the meat will be fresh and plenty. 

These weddings do cater for special diets, that is, for those observing the Nazareth Sabbath and require their food to be cooked the day before if the wedding is on Saturday.

Beyond that, a Zulu wedding is the one occasion where no-one sympathises with animals being slaughtered.

You’ll even find that the brisket on the wooden tray had a name and grew up in the very homestead in which you’re enjoying it — with salt, green chillies and a cold beer. Maybe just bring your own vegetables in a lunch box for your vegan diet, hey?

Now, at the veld when the couple prepare for their union to be solemnised, you best be sitting next to an elderly auntie. See, the gogos are very vocal about the cultural procession, and will tell you the minute something is being done incorrectly. Listen and learn.

No. There’s no kissing either.

A Zulu wedding is the one occasion where no-one sympathises with animals being slaughtered

The couple will probably not even get to hold hands. But they will dance. They will take turns to showcase their Zulu dance and compete until they eventually dance together in sync.

There will be war cries. There will be swearing. There will be sticks and weapons. There will be stomping and ululating. No French kisses, though!

When that part is done, guests are invited to feast at the home of the groom. Do not be surprised if the elegantly decorated marquee is dismantled as people pull out chairs to sit outside to eat.

I think there’s a silent acceptance in the community that the marquee is just there for aesthetics and people really want to sit in a circle with their drinks in the middle and plates on their laps.

It is important to observe decorum at the host residence. Whatever you do, remember that Zulu men are as progressive as everyone else out there, just not during occasions that require the slaughter of a cow and dressing in their traditional animal skin attire. So, when you are pointed to where women should sit, go sit among the women.

Finally, whether you understand the Zulu language or not, you will be treated with respect and warm hospitality.

Just greet people first before speaking or asking for anything. A simple sawubona is all you need to get all your demands met while enjoying the ceremony.